New year wishes..

Things have been crazy since we have been back from India. For one thing, the mom part of me has completely taken over my life. I just don't get any time for myself, so the blog has sadly been neglected. I have all these ideas I want to write about, but I never ever get the time. When I do have a few free moments, I'd rather laze around rather than start typing. Poor Sunny hasn't even had a post of her own yet. And there are so many things happening each day and I am regretting not noting down each and every thing like I did with Snugli. But I am determined to get back to writing soon. Meanwhile, I feel frustrated, angry and stressed out most days. There are bright days now and then, but all the other days are passing in a haze and I don't even know what to about it. I feel like taking a break, but there is no break for a mom from her children and ain't that the truth!

Well, its sad that I couldn't even jot down a post on Snugli's birthday. We didn't celebrate it very grandly this time. She did have a party at school and we did take her to an indoor kids play area (where she enjoyed to the maximum) and her favourite restaurant for dinner. But I just didn't have it in me, to plan another party outside and arrange things. I still feel a little guilty over that, but she had fun and thats that. Oh man, she's 4 already and I wish all the time that I had a pause button to life, sigh.

On a sad note, one of my good friends passed away last week and so the past week has been depressing for me. She was sick with a rare disease and suffered a lot in the past month, but we never expected that it would take her life. I was fortunate enough to spend a weekend with her in September when she came to visit us here. I keep remembering little things about her and it keeps getting to me now and then. We expect death at ages lot older than ours and imagine that we'll have all our friends till the ends of our own lives, so it becomes very difficult to accept it that she died at 32, she had a lot of spirit and lot more in her. I hope she's in a much better place and is happy and at rest finally. You know what I have realized from all this? Her life is no more, but our lives go on, they have to go on..

To put a positive end to this post, I did get my macro lens finally - Canon 100mm f2.8 macro and I'm glad that I haven't let go of photography completely, despite all my "troubles". Have some pics uploaded on my facebook photography page in case you are interested. Here's a recent one:




And so, to summarize, 2011 brought me a dear daughter and took away a good friend. It also brought me my first silver hair ;-) (sounds better than gray or white and I'm sticking with it :-p). The year has been a mix of gains and losses, easy and tough times, tears and laughter, basically life going on in all its glory. There's still much more to see, many more things to do and hope 2012 has ample opportunities :-).

The end of the world is coming folks ;-) :-D. 2012 is here! Wish you and your loved ones a very happy and prosperous new year :-).

The grand past..

Some children are fortunate enough have both their sets of grandparents and get to see the love and affection between the pairs, but I have never been one of those. Since I was born, I had only my grandfather on my dad's side (I called him "Ajja") and my grandmother on my mom's who I called Ammamma. Ajja was there for 15 years of my life when he succumbed to a heart attack (I was studying 10th std then and it happened right before my final exams) leaving us in shock. The only grandparent I had left, my Ammamma, passed away more than 12 days ago on 27th October 2010.

Neither of the grandparents I had, could ever be termed as affectionate, though I do remember Ajja being loving towards Darsh. But it was certainly not what you see in happy movies - grandparents giving hugs and kisses and sweetmeats to the children around. I am not saying this with any regret, because I know what they were, were because of the way they spent their lives - life certainly never was easy on them. And I have a tremendous respect for who they were for basically how my parents are and how in turn they have influenced me and Darsh.

Ajja was a hotelier, though not as grand as the word sounds. He had successful hotels and total failures, the fail part more often than the success part. He would open a hotel in one part of Andhra Pradesh and continue there as long as it was a success. If things were good, he'd sell that one in profit and move on to another place. Same thing with losses, if the hotel turned out to be a loss, there'd be no choice, he'd have to move on. So my dad and his 4 siblings lived all over Andhra. Ajja was mostly a workaholic because he had to feed his family and it didn't help matters when he lost his wife. Dad did get his education, but he had to work all mornings (grinding idli/dosa batter and chutneys) and once he came back from school as a waiter. I remember him telling me that they couldn't even afford oil lamps at home and that he studied under street lamps. When things were good, he got money to watch cinemas, but until he was about 16 or 18 (I think), he didn't even have footwear. But being the son of a Udupi hotel owner, he atleast had enough to eat. My mom didn't.


BharaNi nakashatra-davaru onda dharaNi aaLthaare athwa beraNi thaTthaare.

Meaning "The people born under the BharaNi star either rule the earth or make cow-dung patties" (implying either they'll be either very rich or very poor). My mom always uses this quote about Ammamma adding that she saw both. Ammamma was born to a very rich and very orthodox family. She was married off at a very young age and mom tells me that she was sent to her in-laws in a Chinnada pallakki (gold carriage). Her in-laws were very well-off too, but her husband was a different case. My maternal grandfather was a total gambler - the only 2 accomplishments I can list of his are gambling and making babies. He drank away all of the riches and died leaving Ammamma with 5 children (she also had a couple of miscarriages) and thankfully, a house to live in. She had some cows, so she sold the milk and earned some money. But it wasn't enough when it came to feeding her children. I think she even cooked and helped out in houses, but she hardly had anything to eat. She sent away my mom to her mother's place for some years and later to her elder daughter's place (my doDDamma was married and with her family then) for some more years. Staying with her grandparents and then her elder sister, mom was a bit better off, but it didn't mean that she wallowed in luxury, the opposite in fact. Things were difficult there too and to this day mom says that she'd have preferred to live with her family than anywhere else (which is why she never entertained the idea of sending me or Darsh away anytime). Even later, when she came back home, things weren't better. Ammamma would make sure all the kids got food, but for herself, she'd walk miles to the Udupi maTa (where they serve food for the poor) to get a belly-full food once a day, bearing all insults and evil eyes around.

Things didn't get any better for a few more years until my parents found jobs - my dad did his bachelors in Science and got a job, while my mom applied right after her 2nd PUC and got one (she completed her bachelors in arts degree later through correspondence). My mom was able to request her boss into considering her brother for a job and from then on, there was a lot of improvement in that house. Ajja didn't give up on his ventures until my parents got married and even after coming to stay with his eldest son, he still wanted to be independent and had a shop running for quite sometime (oh yeah that reminds me, he'd get me candies from his shop - so there was bit of sweetmeats :-D). From then on Ajja was quite happy living with us. Being a hotelier, he would interfere in the kitchen and cause some amount of irritation to mom, so there were the usual bickering now and then (but I think my mom learnt a lot about cooking either from him or due to the competition :-D and to this day according to me, she is one of the best cooks around). But things were getting better by the day - all his children were pretty much settled and his death, when he passed away was very much unexpected. He was one of the healthiest people around and had gone on one of his trips to Mysore - when he saw the Nanjangud temple after many years and we don't know what happened, his heart simply gave out that night. He was at my cousin's place and by the time we drove there (I still remember dad driving like a maniac that night), he had had a 2nd massive heart attack and was gone.

Today I still picture Ajja sometimes - he'll always be this old man in a white panche to me, very fond of his nashya dabba (snuff powder box) and talking a lot and making yummy khaara mixtures and gulab jaamun at home (for the mixture he'd make 5 to 6 different things and we'd keep running to the kitchen to sneak stuff, obviously getting scoldings in return :-D). I remember him at every happy occasion at home, when my dad bought a house, when I got a job, when I got married and later when I had Snugli. Every time I wish he was there to see and enjoy the occasion with us.

Meanwhile, on the other side, Ammamma was doing well - taking care of the birth of grandchildren and basically taking care of the grandchildren themselves. She has taken care of some of us when we were ill, when our parents couldn't attend to us and so on and so forth. As we grew up, she grew into this old lady who lived with one of her sons but travelled to our place often (once a year atleast for 3 months) and we grand kids would love to tease her. But recently as she grew to her 80s, she had become quite weak and travelling had become difficult for her. She was not really in a good shape when she came to Snugli's namakarNa, but I was glad that she was able to make it.

Last year, she fell ill pretty badly and I was very worried about her. So in our India trip, I made it a point to make a quick trip to Udupi to see her (which now I am very glad I did) - it was literally a flying visit. She had some memory problems then - she's ask the same questions again and again, forget that she had just eaten etc, but she was looking well. But after we came back here, things got a lot worse. Her health deteriorated and she even had a fall which resulted in a brain stroke. After that she didn't recognize anyone. My cousin who grew up under her care got married there just about a month back and she didn't recognize her own children and grandchildren. She didn't talk much, had incontinence and later even got bed-sores which resulted in her getting admitted to a hospital. Mom was inconsolable, but Ammamma couldn't even talk about what she was going through and how she was suffering. It was a miserable time for everyone. Just about 20 days back, she had even stopped eating and was being given liquids through a food pipe. We actually had started praying for her suffering to end..

Yet when I heard the news of her passing away, it still somehow came as a shock. One part of me was glad - she didn't have to suffer any longer, while the other was very sad - I lost the only grandparent I had, my future child if any, will never even have the opportunity of interacting with her like Snugli did. I have a photo of hers with Snugli on a wall and I find myself going to it and wishing she is in a good place. Ammamma also had a heart attack and she was almost 90. The most clear memory I have of her is of her sitting on her cot at nights, eating adike (arekanuts) which she was very fond of and powdering karpura (camphor) to put in the eyes and cool them. I remember her voice and some of the things we'd make fun of. Some part of me still cannot believe she's not around anymore, but I'm glad we had her until now.

One of the reasons why I admire my parents so much is because they are products of their past (I wasn't always in awe of them, when I was in my teen years I thought the whole world was conspiring against me, but I digress :-D). They didn't have everything on their side, everything going for them, yet they made something of themselves. Theirs is one of the personal success stories that I've seen and though neither I nor Darsh have had difficult circumstances while growing up, we were taught to appreciate where they came from. I see people day to day blaming everything from their parents, to their past, to their circumstances, i.e everything except themselves for what they are today and I get really irritated at them. Yes your past matters to some extent, but you can always overcome it. If you insist on not doing anything and keep finding someone or the other to place the blame on, your situation is not going to get any better. My parents never gave up and neither did my grandparents.

I can only hope that I have inherited a little bit of the persistence, the strength and the resolve to go on, no matter how bad the circumstances, how dire the consequences and how hard the times are. I can only hope that I can bring up my child(ren) how my parents have brought us up and teach them to appreciate the sacrifices and the hard work of their grandparents. I can only hope that my grandparents are in a happy place and will be watching over us for time to come. I can only hope..

Rock bottom..

"Ya know I really thought I had hit rock bottom, but today it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me." - Rachel in Friends.

Strange how some quotes just seem to suit your life so aptly. In my earlier post I wrote how I was afraid to say "it can only get better from now on", but I have to admit, I thought it. Well, I thought wrong. On the fateful day of Feb 16th, I woke up to find that I have been locked out of my Google account (looks like it was hacked into). After some miserable hours I managed to get my password reset and login to the account, only to find out that my Orkut profile was deleted! The profile cannot be recovered and I have to create a new one :(. Still, the saving grace was that my blog was still there and nothing had happened to my photos or mails. Wrong! Next morning all the posts were gone, wiped out, deleted without trace from my blog.

I was shocked to say the least. I didn't have a backup of anything (had tried to do that earlier, but hadn't gotten any proper solution). I really thought Google was the big boss of everything and they'd have multiple back-ups of everything and nothing can ever vanish without their approval. Not so apparently :-\. Didn't know what to do at all. After one complete day of grovelling on the help forums, I found something out. If you subscribe to a blog on Google Reader, it usually has if not all, most of the posts in cache`, despite the fact that you are logging into the damn thing only after your posts have been deleted. I had posts from December 2006 to February 2010, but I started the blog in March 2005, so there were a lot of posts missing.

After about 5 days of to and fro on the forums (here's the discussion), there still wasn't any concrete solution. I was told that if I could produce the URLs of all the posts, they'd try and restore them. What the heck! I had about 300 posts then, how am I supposed to get all the URLs of those? I got around 200 URLs on the Google reader. I didn't know what to do about the rest. I remembered some of the missing posts, but didn't really remember the titles of the posts (blogger names the URL on the title). Tried searching in Google blogs, didn't work. After various permutations and combination, finally figured out a solution. If you search the blog name and say a month and a year, the search result usually shows the archived page of the month. If you click the "cached" version, then you get the old post. And so after searching for every single month and spending the entire day on the computer I finally had all the URLs of all the posts (you can see the entire list in the discussion above). Phew!

Again a week went by without a word. You cannot fathom the frustration that I went through. Yesterday they finally said they had restored all the posts as drafts and I had to publish them all to get the blog functioning as it was (one URL was wrong, so there's still that to be worked out). They still haven't told me how or why it happened and I'm totally clueless. Atleast its a learning, have the XML backup and am planning to have a backup blog on some other site. That'll be my birthday gift to my blog this year.

Coming to my wounds, I'm fine. Stitches have been taken out and also the surgical strip that was put in as a replacement. There is a 1.5 inch gash on my forehead and a 0.25 inch one on my lip but they are very much on the mend. Right now I'm sporting the healing Frankenstein monster look (which is wayyyyyyy more hipppppp than the Rohini Hattangadi look ;-) :-D), so even though I feel awkward going out anywhere, thats alright to some extent.

So all's well right? Beep wrong again! You know that last year my MBA plans got cancelled (to put it mildly)? I had transferred the application to this year and had hoped to get some financial assistance. Yesterday I got a mail from the coordinator telling me that times are tough and financial resources are limited, hence they'll not be able to give any financial aid to me. I somehow expected that (usually business schools don't really dole out dough), yet felt crushed. It feels like I'm down and being kicked again and again. I'm so sick and tired of being treated this way! And I know tomorrow the situation can be worse.

So bring it on God! I'll take it like a woman - I'll be depressed, I'll cry, then I'll show you my middle finger and I'll get over it!

The sickness factor..

Anytime I return from India to the US, I always feel heart sick and you know that. This time the heart sickness came hand in hand with actual physical illness. I fell ill as soon as I got into the first flight - had a bout of diarrhea and fever and by the time I was in the second flight, I was so weak that Sri was managing Snugli completely. So for the past 3 days I have been suffering through both the sickness plus the added bonus of bad wintry weather with 3-inch snowfall (usually I would have worn my coat and gone out to finish my annual snow sculpture, but hey, I'm sick :-p)..

Imagine going from a warm, bright, happy and healthy place to a cold, dull, sad and sick place in a matter of 24 hours :(. I'm too dehydrated for even tears to come out. Depression is in me and around me everywhere. I thought it just couldn't get any worse than that, but well, I thought wrong..

(more to come)..

The separation anxiety..

Today, for the first time in her life and mine, I left Snugli in a day-care (the service provided by YMCA). Yes, it was only for an hour. Yes, I would be in the same building as she was. No, it still didn't mean I was comfortable with the whole thing. I was thinking for the whole time that we were taking her there that she had no clue what was coming. I expected the worse, but it was very smooth, a lot smoother than I imagined the whole experience to be. As soon as I went to the facilities, I completed the initial formalities (she was hovering around me rather than run to the toys there), I said bye and closed the door. She came running to the door, peered at me through the glass and cried her head off, all the while looking at me with accusing eyes. I felt really bad, but made an effort and walked away.

My class trainer hadn't arrived yet, so just 2 minutes later, I walked back to the center to see if she was okay. There was no crying sound, which was good. I slowly peeked in only to see that she was holding a stuffed toy and seemed to have forgotten all about me. Felt bad again. For the first time, I knew what they mean by separation anxiety, only the child wasn't feeling it, but I, as a parent was struggling with it. One part of me says its too early, but the other says that she has to start to be with other kids and enjoy playing with them (inturn if not stop, atleast reduce being so totally dependent on me). One part of me was really proud of her for being so brave and the other was somehow hurt. Well, it certainly compensated when she ran and hugged me as soon as she saw me when I went to pick her up. To summarize, I'm still reeling..

Update: Looks like I spoke much too soon. The above was yesterday's story. Today when I dropped her off, Snugli cried for 15 min continuously until the caregivers came and called me. I stayed with her another 15 min, but she clung to me most of the time and started to cry whenever I tried to let her go. Now I don't know what to think..

A tough trough :(

Its strange how life works sometimes. Was it only a month back when I was riding the crest of happiness? Today I'm on the lowest of lows. Its not that I didn't expect this. Its only that I was hoping that it'd not turn out to be this way. Its sad that it had to happen today of all days - May 11th has been good to me so far, it being the date of our Gruhapravesha as well as Snugli's namakarna.

First the good news. I came to know that I got accepted into the college I applied to for MBA almost immediately after the application (which involved 3 essays + a few mini essays + an extended letter requesting for aid). But the bad news was that there was no aid. I again knew this would be the case, because I applied only after the scholarship deadline was done and was told that the chances were slim. This was almost 3 weeks back. I guess I sorta deluded myself into thinking that things may change ('cause the advisor had hinted that they'd know for sure by May).

The basic fact is that its a pretty huge amount. Yes we can take loans and "afford" it. My dad even offered to sponsor the studies. But I personally don't want to spend so much on a degree right now without knowing whether I will actually have the return of investment immediately. I have always been open about the fact that I want another child and we have to think of various things when making a commitment like that. And I don't want us to be burdened with loans and sacrifice the basic things I love about my life. I was hoping that if I got a scholarship, then it will just be a matter of taking care of Snugli. But well, thats not the case. Looks like I have the score, I have the experience, I have the academical record and I have even been accepted into the university, but I don't have the money :(.

Today I met with the advisor and finally said that I won't be able to accept their offer. The proverbial nail on the coffin or whatever. I asked my application to be transferred to next year (well, if there is aid then, we'll have to think long and deep about that). But this is it for MBA this year. It'd have been kinda perfect had I been able to do it this year, but things don't always go our way. Felt very bad once I was out of the advisor's office - its very tough when you see a part of your dream being crushed right in front of your eyes. I let the tears flow and the sorrow drain. Yes, it'd have been very tough to actually complete a full-time MBA in one year and I'm sure I'd have cribbed about it here. But I would have tried. Given it my best. I tell myself, its their loss. But feel that its mine..

Maybe fate has something else planned for me. Maybe I should learn to be more grateful for what I have. And I have a lot of things to be grateful about. I have things in my life that many people don't. Maybe I should just live in the moment and forget all about not having a career as of now. But somehow, these days women think careers are an integral part of their lives, so we have started to judge our failures and successes in terms of the career we have. I feel embarrassed to say I'm not working, why is it that when I do so much for my family? And its certainly not that I don't have respect for housewives. Its just that when it comes to me, I feel bad that I'm not working right now or not doing anything as I call it :-\. I always imagined myself returning to work, 1 year after having a baby. Maybe I'm the one who is being judgmental on myself. Maybe not meeting the high expectations I set for myself is what is hurting me so much. Maybe its wrong, but I can't really help it. These maybes will go on, but this post is ending here..

Manzilein Apni Jagah Hein
Raaste Apni Jagah
Jab Kadam Hi Saath Naa De
Tho Musaafir Kyaa Kare..

For better or worse..

Its a story of how something was defined as nothing which later was declared as the worst possible thing. Its a story of how simple things become complicated, how even the a least mount of negligence can return to strangle your neck. Its the story of how admiration for a nation's system can with a little pressure change into disgust. Its a story of how this birthday became the worst birthday I ever had. More than all of these, its a story of the perils of parenthood..

Half of the things I wrote in my birthday post were true. I didn't really feel like celebrating my birthday this time. Mainly because Snugli was ill with a slight fever since Tuesday evening. Since it was slight, she couldn't even be given fever reducing drops, so comfort was all I could give her. On my birthday she started coughing a dry cough. I called up her Pediatrician's office only to be told by a nurse that its a common cold and not really to worry. I was giving her steam as prescribed (by switching on hot shower in the bathroom, not putting on the exhaust and closing the door with her with me inside) and had a humidifier switched on in the room to moisturize the air.

We didn't really know why she was ill - she is teething (her lower 2 front teeth have come out :-D), that may have been the reason or we had gone to Niagara Falls over the weekend, so the travel may have been the cause. That is one of the big problems in parenthood. You never know the reason for the suffering of your child and half the time you end up blaming yourself. I didn't know if it was anything I fed her, or maybe it was because I didn't keep her warm enough, or maybe she was chewing on something she isn't supposed to be chewing on and I didn't notice it. You can see the pattern :-\. No matter what she does, I feel that I'm to blame. She has started to crawl on her stomach these days and since she's teething, she just goes after what she wants and chews on it :-\.

Anyways coming back to the story, on my birthday night the cough got worse. It started deepening as if full of phlegm and she started becoming restless. Friday morning, I felt half ill, since I had her with me in bed for the night and I was up for half the night with her. I tried steaming again to no avail. Her breathing was raspy and even sounded like wheezing to Sri. So he called up the pediatrician's office again only to be told again that wheezing was normal in cold and we'd be given an appointment only if we insisted. And we did insist.

As the day progressed, Snugli got worse. After about 10 AM she was crying continuously as if she was in constant discomfort. You'd be too if you couldn't breathe. Her breathing was more rapid and she started to refuse food altogether. This was the point when I started panicking. The appointment was in the noon, so that was when we headed to the doc's office. And thats where things started happening really fast. The doc decided that her breathing was too fast (duh!!) and that she needed some breathing treatment and some chest X-rays to be taken. As soon as the breathing treatment (which was a vapourizer) was applied, there was a visible relief (her breathing eased down and she was able to fall asleep in an instant). The oxygen content in her blood was still low but it increased with the breathing.

The Xrays came back and the doctor declared that there was no pneumonia, but he was still worried about her rapid breathing, so he wanted her admitted to a hospital. Since she needed the breathing treatment + oxygen, he suggested that we take her in an emergency vehicle and not in our car. So I was strapped to a seat with the baby in my arms, holding the oxygen + vapourizer mask to her face and was lifted (!!!) to the ambulance while Sri came in our car. I always wanted to ride an emergency vehicle here but in this case, my mind kept screaming "not like this". My poor baby was glued with electrodes to measure her heart-beat and breathing rate. And it was practically painful for me to watch. Its very difficult to hold the tiny body and contain yourself from not crying when you know she's not alright. Ofcourse I cried. But I was glad that we were able to reach the hospital fast (I even saw a car climbing a divider to let us through!).

We were taken to one of the sections of the emergency room of UK Chandler hospital. Here we were surrounded by more than 10 people. Some of them were trying to glue electrodes on (the earlier ambulance ones were removed), some were asking questions and still others were wondering whether it was a seizure!! Give me a break! What was miserable was that once the electrodes were attached the machine didn't work, they replaced the electrodes and it still didn't work, then they had to replace the machine (This happened later in the normal ward too! Still later Sri was telling me how this could practially lead to the death of a person really in emergency :-\!!). Moreover, I was asked all sorts of questions about her history (Was she premature "No", Did she have any such breathing problems earlier "No", Has she been hospitalized before "No, except for jaundice", Is she allergic "No" and a 100 more) again, again and again. Yeah there were apologies each time but c'mon! Also, they took her X-rays again despite the fact that we had the earlier ones with us. Maybe they didn't trust our pediatrician office :-p. All of these was not really hard for me to do, but what was hard was the fact that they kept gluing things on to my baby and pulling them off despite my baby's crying (yeah I know that they see 100s of babies daily and this might be common for them, but they should realize that its not so common for us).

After it was determined that there was no emergency as such we were moved into a room in the emergency floor itself. A nurse came in and talked to us about how she needs an IV, since she's not feeding and also that she has been prescribed a dose of steroids. We were fine with the IV but not with the steroids. But no doctor came to tell us why it was required (only later when they made round, they told us that it'll not really have that many side-effects and not to worry). When I made half-hearted noises about the steroids, the nurse went, came back and told us that it was what the doctors had asked her to do and we could take it or leave it! Since we didn't really want to risk it, we said ok.

Then the nightmare began. The nurse with the help of another stuck a needle to one arm of Snugli. She probed it here and there (!!) saying she just now had the vein and lost it. Then they tried sticking her on the back of her right palm. When that didn't work either they pricked her on her right foot. It didn't work and they gave a reason saying "since she is dehydrated, her veins are blowing the needle off". So they called another "child expert" who tried pricking her left foot. That didn't work out either and when the nurse finally tried Snugli's left arm, she was able to prick the vein there. The other nurses actually clapped and congratulated her on this particular feat! Needless to say, Snugli was crying all the time, but I couldn't bear the scene either and was constantly in tears. I was so furious with the whole act as such, I mean why couldn't the "expert" be called earlier? They had already pierced her once in the ambulance, so they actually pricked her 6 times! One of the nurses kept apologizing, but lady, apologies don't really help when you are seeing your already-in-pain child made to suffer! What irked me more was the fact that one of the nurses was trying to cheer me up, kept on trying to make jokes about the whole thing and kept on winking. Oh for heaven's sake!!

The only saving grace, if it can be called that, was the fact that when 5 nurses were surrounding Snugli to get the needle in her, she looked at me with sorrowful eyes and actually called me "Amma" for the very first time. Which promptly reduced me to tears again..

Then that night finally one of the doctors came in and reasked the set of initial questions (I am going to use a short form of this since we were asked these still a couple of more times - SOIQs) and finally brought in another doctor who gave us some explanations. No, it was not pneumonia, he didn't really think it was asthma (as she had a bit of cold and fever before the raspy breathing started off and usually asthma attacks occur much more rapidly), but since she was still breathing hard and not taking any food, they'd like to observe her in the ICU. He brought in yet another doctor to reinforce the opinion. When we said yes to ICU, the ICU doctor came in and asked the SOIQs again. I was plain infuriated by the inefficiency of it all. I mean, can't you record the history once and pass it on to the "doctors" who'd come and see the baby? How do they "diagnose" something if they don't even know the history?

We had to wait for the ICU room to be cleared up for us for hours. Meanwhile, Snugli actually recovered a bit, her breathing had slowed down and she had started breastfeeding again. Well, the ICU doctor didn't really listen to me when I informed her of this and we were moved to the ICU around 11PM that night. Well, there was this another story when at first one of the doctors told us both the parents could remain with her in ICU, later when we actually moved, Sri was prevented from coming into the ICU and still later another of the doctors was okay with Sri coming in! I'm just mentioning this as the sheer incompetency of it all boggles the mind! That night we hardly had 4 hours of sleep each, Snugli still less since she was being checked regularly. Morning we were told that she is good and doesn't need to be in the ICU anymore, so they were moving her to the normal children's section. And so they did and her IV was taken off (the needle still remained as they didn't want to prick her again! Ha!) as she was feeding on her own again.

Well, after reaching our private room, it was another story. A nurse came to do her ECG. My point is that they had done it in ICU early in the morning once. And they took off 10 stickers from my child's body saying that they'll not be needed again. When we asked the nurse why it was nececessary again in a couple of hours to do the ECG again, we were informed "doctor's orders". Even the departments don't communicate with each other? Just what the heck are they doing in there? So again she glued some 10-odd stickers to her body then peeled them off saying they need to be removed soon or it'll hurt. She also comments that removing stickers will not really hurt. Oh yes, if you are a stone or something! Why do you think my baby is crying relentlessly? Because she's fond of crying?

Later in the morning we had a doctor visit and he started giving us a lecture on asthma as such. I was stunned but thought that maybe this was a precautionary measure in such occasions. Later another doctor came and he said that we'd have to keep her on a maintenance steroid spray! Now I was totally shocked and started telling him the history again. The surprised tone in his voice when he asked "This is her first time?" was the indication to me that none of these people had actually bothered going through her history. How more inept can it get? After I went through the SOIQs again, he said that "his team" was of the opinion that she needed the spray and that he'll confer with them. As you can guess, I was sick and tired of the hospital by this time.

But wait, it doesn't really get any better. She was supposed to be under observation. But I never saw the "observing". The doctors never showed up for the whole day (they arrived in a group the next morning). We were kept there in the room for the whole day with only the nurses visiting about 3 times, that was it! My poor baby's fever got worse. They took auxilliary temperature and it showed 100.9, still they did absolutely nothing (real temperature is 1 degree Fahrenheit above). Finally when my baby started to refuse feeding again, I had to go and ask them for fever-reducing medicine. Later one of the nurses had the audacity to say that as parents we know our babies, so we have to ask for medicine when we think she is uncomfortable!! That reassures me a lot, thank you very much!

Next day the doctor team came back to say that we'd have to continue the steroid dose for 5 days and they'd give us a spray which can be used only if her breathing goes rapid again. We were finally discharged out of the hospital. Before we left another nurse came in to give us another asthma lecture and yeah, you guessed it right, she didn't know my baby's history either (yup the dreaded SOIQs again, I must have gone through them atleast 12-14 times!!). And you know what? They never told us why the ECGs were required, or what the results were of the ECG and multiple other tests they conducted on my poor baby!

As I write this I still feel like crying. I still feel so furious. And you can see why I'll never go back there. Atleast I'll never take my baby to them again. I have never seen anything like this before (I have been in 2 hospitals here). Most of the people seemed like interns, who either didn't have experience at all or who didn't know what they were talking about. I am so angry with the whole system as such. If Snugli's doctor had agreed to see her the first day, then she wouldn't have gotten this worse. As a parent I have learnt a valuable lesson. Go to the doctor whenever we feel like it. Don't rely on the nurses on the phone. As one of the paramedics said while we were heading to the ambulance "If they say its just a simple cold, then its not their child".

Its like when the problem is small they don't care and when it becomes even a bit worse, they create a hugggggggggggge unnecessary hullabaloo. To be honest, I don't think the steroids were needed at all . I think she'd have recovered just by the breathing treatment (which was a Vicks kind of vapourizer). She's still on the steroids which are getting down her energy, but not her spirit. She's doing perfectly well today and is fully back into her crawling and chewing. Its as if the whole thing never happened at all. But it did happen and it did leave a big scar on my heart, which is the reason I'm writing this post. Which is the reason I'll never set foot in UK Chandler hospital again!

P.S: After we were home, Sri commented on how they asked for our insurance only in the emergency room and nowhere else. Apparently the departments had no problem communicating in that regard.

As of now...

As of now, I'm still missing mom, dad and Darsh. Especially my mom. She came here in September 2007 and it was somehow as if I was back in the good old adolescent days. I miss her so much that the house sometimes feels really empty. I remember her when we take walks ("Mom and I walked that way and explored stuff there"), when we go to supermarkets ("Mom would have loved this"), and even when I cook ("Wonder whether mom would have added this ingredient"). The sadness is so palpable. Its as if I'm numb with pain. The tears are in my eyes, but they won't flow down. My heart feels constricted all the time. But life has to go on..

As of now, I still can't believe I'm back in US. I can't believe 2.5 months in India just went away in what seems like minutes. I'm sure that even if I was there for 6 months, it'd have felt too less. Why is the heart not content with what it gets? As soon as I came back, it was a total change of scenario. I just didn't have time to think about India anymore, as we had to take care of Snugli ourselves. My inlaws will be here next month end, but until then we are on our own. I'm so busy sometimes, its a miracle that I find time to do somethings for myself. Even checking my mail has become a "task to do" :-D. It feels as if I'm in this virtual world where I'm getting everything done, but still do not want to accept the reality that I'm back. Very strange, but true..

As of now, I can't help feeling a bit useless. I know, I know that I said I'm really busy, but many of my friends with a baby have returned to work and here I am sitting at home. I always wanted to take atleast an year's sabbatical after I had a baby, but I miss working. I don't know why I base my worth on a paying job, but I do. Practically, its a different story altogether. Its very difficult for me to work even if I have the opportunity. After all where do I leave Snugli? I don't want to leave her in the daycares here or hire a babysitter, so that means I have to be with her all the time. The best option would be a work-from-home job, but it not really raining jobs here leave alone work-at-home jobs :-p. Guess these pendulum-like-feelings are going to continue for a long time..

As of now, Snugli is 6 months old! 6 months, God! How time flies! Last year I was just out of my 1st trimester and still worried about the tiny little life inside me. I'm still concerned, believe me, though the tiny little life is not so tiny anymore and is almost ready to crawl. She laughs all the time, flips over in a blink (so many times in a day that its difficult to count) and is all set to step into the world, in a matter of speaking. And she has grown so close to my heart, much more than I ever imagined. I had so many doubts when I was pregnant, but now its all smooth. I'm just taking it as it comes. Speaking of which, today is her 3rd set of vaccinations, which means there is a lot of crying to come ;-)..

Missing you..

Another mushy post from me, sorry..

Missing you..

Its not that I cannot see without you,
But you are my eyes' first choice..
Its not that I cannot hear without you,
But my ears long to hear your voice..

Its not that I cannot talk without you,
But my words wish to reach your ears..
Its not that I cannot eat without you,
But few morsels and hunger disappears..

Its not that I cannot smile without you,
But even my joy is somewhat strained..
Its not that I cannot feel without you,
In fact my feelings are too unrestrained..

Its not that I cannot breathe without you,
But my nose yearns for your fragrance..
Its not that I cannot live without you,
But my whole being misses your presence..

Sometimes I find myself singing this song without my knowledge - "Na jaane kyon" from the movie Choti is baath..




Thanks to YouTube and user ilovehrishida for the video.

Wohi hein dagar, Wohi hein safar,
Hein nahi, Saath mere magar, Ab mera humsafar,
Idhar udhar doonde nazar, Wohi hein dagar..
Kaha gayi shaame madh bhari?
Woh mere, mere woh din gaye kidhar?

Na jaane kyon hota hein ye zindagi ke saath,
Achaanak ye mann, kisike jaane ke baad,
Kare fir uski yaad, choti choti si baath..
Na jaane kyon..

Sigh :(((. 2 more weeks until Sri lands here :(((. But on a lighter note, the line about my hunger "disappearing" is a blatant lie. I'm a hungry mama-shark since I have a little shark dependent on me :-D.

Woh bhi kya din the...

The snap was taken about 5 years ago, when all 4 of us (dad, mom, Darsh and me) had gone to Udupi for holidays. We drove to Udupi, so this photo was taken on the Shiradi ghat section. We were posing for the photo all serious, when Darsh made some stupid comment which made us laugh out loud and he managed to capture it.

Dad came here on Friday and it feels so good :). We had been to Louisville on Saturday and this photo was taken there:




I feel like I'm with family again (I know, I know that Sri is my family now :-p). But I miss not having Darsh around me. It still feels so weird not to be the "four" we were..




(This pic was taken in Udupi on our India trip last year).

Why does the heart always long for more when it has so much?

Listening to: Wish you were here by Pink Floyd :(.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears,
Wish you were here."

Shooting saga continued..

Much discussion has been going on about the shooting a few days ago. First of all, Cho Seung-hui sent a tape/pictures of himself to a NBC (he's supposed to have posted the package between the shootings!). So there has been much talking on whether the news channels should show the videos or not (well, all of the channels played them non-stop the first day they were released and the next day declared that they were sympathetic to the victims' families and stopped playing them). One point of view being that people should know why he did it while the opposite saying that showing the video might influence other people into following in his footsteps. God! Its TV for heaven's sake. If you don't want to watch, there is a power-off button, in case you didn't know!

Secondly, people have been saying how mentally ill Cho was. How mentally, he was a boiling cauldron ready to explode. And what we can do to recognize such mental illness in some kids and stop them from harming other people. Gimme a break! How do you determine somebody's mental health? Just because somebody is depressed, can you lock them up? Everybody is a bit crazy in their own way. What's the measure of this "craziness"?? What if a very decent person, behaving normally, suddenly heads off into a shooting rampage? What'll be the explanation of that then?? The kids play violent video games and watch more violence on TV and in movies. Why don't you discuss about that? Why don't you say they are corrupting the children and make a move to stop those?

Thirdly it seems now there is a paranoia about Oriental men. They are being looked at suspiciously just like Middle eastern people were after 9/11 (they are still being looked at like that at present). People are nuts! What happened to the fact that it was Americans who did all the shooting and raping in the Katrina incident? So will you be scared of your neighbour eh? Won't get out of the house? What about yourself? How can you trust "you"?? Again, the media is having a field day interviewing Oriental men on whether they are being discriminated against. They try to exploit every fear a person can ever have and actually succeed in spreading more panic!

What people don't seem to be discussing a lot is about Gun control. Do you know how easy it is to get a gun in the state of Virginia? All that is needed is a driver's licence and no criminal record! Can you believe that! I can go and get a gun without being asked any questions! And I haven't even seen a real gun (except some in museums and movies :-\) and have no clue how to operate one! But I can buy one if I feel like it! A 16-year old gets a DL here. So if he/she has no past criminal record, they can walk into a gun shop and walk out with a gun. Its totally unbelievable! But nobody wants to talk about changing that. Why? Is that because all these gun manufacturers "feed" the Government?

The media can talk, talk and talk more but end up accomplishing nothing. I really feel irritated whenever they say "Oh the police had arrested him before but they never realized..." or interview a roommate to ask "And you never thought this guy could be like this?". The roommates are not psychics, nor are the police miracle workers! I know some introverted people, doesn't mean they are killers! Tomorrow even if one of them turns out to be a killer, how am I supposed to know? Guess work? The worse part is none of this talk is going to change the fact for the 32 people who died and their grieving families. Philosophically you can say their time was up or whatever. But the pain of a loved one taken away, is only felt by the one who has lost them...

May the victims' souls rest in peace..

Land of dreams??????

• Gunman slaughters more than 30



• More than 30 people were killed Monday in a shooting rampage at Virginia Tech, according to university officials -- making it the deadliest school shooting incident in U.S. history. Virginia Tech President Charles Steger called the killings "a tragedy of monumental proportions."



• Gunman identified as Cho Seung-hui, a 23-year-old English major from South Korea.



• Ballistics tests show one of the guns found was used in the dorm and classroom building shootings

Taken from CNN.

Land of dreams, land of opportunities, became a land of tragedy yesterday for so many students. The main question on most of the people's minds is "Why?". Why does a young student want to kill same-aged students? Why? Why so much rage? Why make innocents the victims of this rage?

It seems it all started yesterday April 16th 2007 morning at about 7:15 AM when police recieved a call about 2 shootings at the West Ambler Johnston Hall at Virginia Tech University. They barricaded that hall, but based on the initial information decided that it was something related to domestic shooting. Hence the campus wasn't closed and the students weren't informed, so that campus life could go on as normal. But later at 9:15 AM, again shootings were heard at Norris Hall (the engineering department). Police stormed in to discover the shooter had shot many students (31 of them died, others have multiple injuries) and himself in the end. Though there have been shootings at schools in the past, this is the bloodiest and highest in body count.

It seems there wasn't a shooting victim that didn't have less than three bullet wounds in them. God!! I still don't understand the rage that could have caused such a terrible tragedy. I mean, how can anyone do such a thing! I don't "get" it!

Imagine the situation of the parents. The victims were all mostly young students (some were professors), dreaming so many dreams for the future and building the required foundation for a wonderful life. Its always difficult when a young life is taken. Not that the old aren't important. But the young people hadn't even "lived" their lives. Two people, one a professor and the other a student of Indian origin passed away in this incident (yesterday according to an Indian newspaper, no Indians died and hence this is an update..). Its even more difficult for the parents of international students. First of all, most of these students are on financial aid, so their parents may not be that strong financially. Moreover there are hassles of visa. Though there is an emergency visa available, imagine going to the consulate for visa stamping at a time when your child is dead on the other side of the world!All in all what a waste of lives!

The media, as usual, is having a field day! They are interviewing students, police and have even brought in their security analysts to "analyse" the situation. They are also repeatedly playing videos of the campus and interivewing family members of the victims again and again! The Don Imus racial slur controversy, the Anna Nicole's baby's father identity and the Iraq war tragedy, that were overwhelmingly overpoweringly present all over the TV just 2 days ago, are not to be seen at all now. Just shows how the media use a tragedy to increase their own ratings. Its outrageous! I'm sure next they'll interview a pschychologist to determine the mind-state of the killer, some other University president who'll probably talk about what they are doing to protect the students, another police superintendent for tips on how to protect yourself if a killer is out in the hall and so on. Heck! They'll probably even get a gun specialist to show how easy it is to buy and use a gun, in the process influence other young future killers! They'll milk it for all its worth and I'm sort of disgusted with the whole thing right now.

This is not the first time a shooting has happened in the school. In this particular case, the shooter was a South Korean. But there have been other cases where twelve students and a teacher were killed because of 2 American teenagers shooting them (Columbine High School Massacre, Colorado). There was even another story where a 12-year old kid shot another 12-year old friend accidentally! Why are the guns so "accessible"?? Why the heck? How can a young 12-year old get his/her hands on a gun and even know how to operate it??? Aren't the parents looking at what their kids are doing? Or are the kids so sneaky that they are fooling their parents into thinking that they are innocent??

I don't understand it. The government schools here are the best, providing all sorts of facilities to the kids (unlike the Indian government schools which are practically sheds). Free education is given to kids until the age of 16. Free transportation is provided in the form of buses. There are even road rules around these buses to protect the kids from traffic hazards. The private schools are strictly for the elite rich. Despite all sort of convenience, why do the children move towards drugs and violence? Is it a case of too much good? There are children struggling to come up in other parts of the world, but here, though they have everything, why do they get into all things "bad"??

Few years ago there was a huggge rise in number of deaths of kids due to Choking game. The game involves strangling one self to induce near unconsciousness by restriction of the supply of oxygen to the brain. The instructions (a step-by-step guide) for this particular dangerous game were freely available on the internet in non-child-restricted websites. The worse thing was that the parents were clueless about this particular game while it was a "hot" new trend at schools. It seems it gives a "high" like a drug. The parents usually found out about it only when their children ended up dead (most of the times this was thought to be suicide!!). Whats a parent to do in such a case? Again the children have everything here, yet it seems 250 to 1,000 young people die in the United States each year playing some variant of this choking game! Crazy, I tell you!

Recently there was another report of a 17 year old boy not only smoking pot (marijuana) himself, but giving it to his 2- year old and 5-year old nephews to smoke too. A 2 year old smoking pot!! Whats the world coming to? The little boys weren't even aware of what they were doing, but shouldn't a 17-year old know what the effects of smoking, moreover smoking marijuana are? The guy was not only guilty of handing it out to the little boys, but of taking a video of this for his obvious enjoyment! The young children were literally staggering due to the drug effects!

Also, there have been cases of child molesting by priests, how more horrible can it get? A man who you trust with the kids might be the one who ends up harming them, scarring them for life! If even a God's place like a church isn't safe then what place is? If a protector becomes a predator, whats a child to do? Whats a parent to do?

Land of dreams eh? Looke like its certainly not for the children! No place in the world is probably safe for kids, but this is literally scary! How can parents not be worried about their children in this kind of environment? Not that it happens everywhere in US, but the instances are so many, that its frightening. Even if you trust your child enough that he/she will not get involved with drugs and the choking game, whats the guarantee that he/she will not be shot by a classmate? Obviously all students cannot be made to wear bullet proof vests or the campus security can't be so serious as to check all the students for guns daily (well, maybe it will be after such a "massacre" as they are calling it). Yes, there have to be changes brought in terms of gun accessibility. Yes, there has to be education provided to the children on ill-effects of such trends.

Meanwhile, I guess all parents can do is to do their best to inform children of all hazards and leave the rest to fate and God..

Buh-bye car!

After a companionship of almost 2 years, our Nissan Sentra (NS) has finally found a new home.




Sriram bought the NS, 2 years ago in April. I hadn't even come to US then. He actually got it third hand, the NS first belonged to an old woman, later her son and then us. Yup it was old, yup it wasn't really suitable for long drives (we never did take it to one), yup its radio was conked, but it was Sri's first own car. It was our first car as a couple and that makes it very special.

When we bought the new Toyota Highlander (TH), we didn't really want to sell the NS. I wanted to learn to drive in NS, the selfish idea being that even if I crash it, it was old anyways :-p. Moreover I was kind of intimidated by TH too, it was too huge to start off learning to drive in. So NS became the first car I drove in the US. Again another first..

Once my driving license was done and I had started driving the TH with comfort, there was really no use for the NS and it was sadly occupying space and taking money in terms of the monthly insurance premium also. So we put it up for sale. After a couple of "lookers", we finally negotiated a pretty fair deal and everything got finalized yesterday. A lady bought the NS and took it away yesterday evening.

As she drove away, I felt sad, don't know why. The NS certainly didn't have a high financial value, but it had a bit of emotional value for both of us I guess. Now the previously full garage looks empty with only TH standing there. It feels like we have lost something. But in time I know we'll let it go. In time it will all be only pleasant memories. I only hope the lady takes good care of it.


How do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye
- Alicia Keys

End of an era :(

I have always been "lucky". Things have usually worked out my way. It probably started way ago in primary school. I was able to join the high school I wanted, later the P.U college I wanted and still later the engineering college I wanted. Though when it came to campus recruitment, I badly wanted to get into Infosys, but didn't and was a bit disappointed then. But again, I got into a pretty good company. Again when I joined, I was to be posted to another city. But it again worked out and I was able to continue to work in Bangalore.

When I got married and later Sri was put into a project here in US, I really thought I would have to resign, but again things worked out (as I wrote in my "Ok now the real deal :)" post) and I was given a transfer. I have been telecommuting here since 1.5 years without any problems. And I have been grateful for the way things were going.

But good times, they say, don't last. Though my L1 work permit/visa is valid till June 2008, each 6 months an extension of my international assignment happens internally in my company. This particular thing has to be approved by a series of managers from my manager to the vice-president of the company (don't ask me why, thats the policy). Till now I thought this would be a mere formality. Maybe I had gotten used to working from home. Maybe I had gotten totally lazy. Maybe I had become complacent. So much that I didn't even bother trying for a job outside though I am being paid in India and my salary is nothing compared to what people get here. I liked working from home at my pace. It was a freedom that I had gotten used to.

Sadly one of the higher managers refused to approve the extension this time. Well, what were my options? Go back to India and work. Since that was not very feasible, what with Sri working here, the only thing to do was to resign. Which I did a couple of days ago. My last day of work will be in the first week of January 2007. What a way for the new year to start eh!!

I admit I was very disappointed. There were times when I was even bitter. But there is nothing I can do about it. There's no way I'll be away from Sri. And its a miracle this whole thing worked out for the past 1.5 years. Atleast I have been working and it has obviously increased my "work experience" factor. So I am grateful for that. My only woe is that had I just been given a hint about this some time back, I would probably have tried for something. But, whats done is done..

Meanwhile, I'm actively looking for jobs. But to do a job in US means acquiring a H1 which is a whole new story altogether (I'll be writing on it some other time). Another plan is to study either MS or MBA. Both require TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) scores and while MS requires a GRE (Graduate Record Examination) score, MBA requires GMAT (Graduate Management Admission Test) score. And man, are these exams costly :-p. So I wouldn't like to attempt them before I'm well prepared. Which is why I have a plan in place. First want to finish TOEFL and then decide whether to do GRE or GMAT :-D.

I'm not giving up. My major worry is that I'll become redundant and that sitting idle at home will make me kind of useless (I know I can never be that, still I am afraid I will). I remember when I graduated, it was recession time and we were not sure whether the company that had selected us in Campus recruitment would even take us or not. Many companies had absolutely refused to do so. A single walk-in/test from a company meant 1000s of students gathering in the place to attend. My company had postponed the joining date. I remember being very depressed. Because there was literally no hope then. But I joined music classes, visited relatives I hadn't visited for years (due to my studies) and when my company actually made us join, I remember actually being glad for having the break :). Hopefully this will turn out to be the same way.

Somebody (I don't know who) said:

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

There are many funny versions of this, the latest ones being:

When life gives you lemons, find someone who has vodka and throw a party!

When life gives you lemons, sell them on ebay!

Hehehehe :-D. Anyways I am digressing. My only resolution for the new year, is not to let myself get into negativity. Though I may feel down from time to time, I am going to make myself get back on track and work on achieving a few things I have always wanted to (I have always wanted to do my Masters). Maybe this is for the good. Maybe this is going to make me get up, look around and strive hard to get what I want. Maybe this is going to make things better than they already are. As my dad always says "This is not the end of the world" and it certainly is not :).

Quoting Lee Ann Womack's song "I hope you dance", which is my motto as of now ;-)...

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances, But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake , But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance..


Thats my advice to anybody who's reading this post. I hope you dance, people :). Meanwhile wish you a very happy and a prosperous new year :).

Encore :(

Encore


Just one more day, I wished I could be there
When the visit to loved ones was at its end
Why does the heart always long for an encore
Of if not a day, if not an hour, only a second?

Just one more embrace, I wished I could have,
Maybe then the open wound would not hurt as much.
Why does the heart always long for an encore
Of if not an embrace, if not a hug, only a touch?

Just one more visual, my eyes wished to see,
As I walked far and further away with forced limps.
Why does the heart always long for an encore
Of if not a visual, if not a view, only a glimpse?

Just one more tear drop fell without any compulsion,
Sadness engulfed me and my heart felt oh so sore.
Pain is one thing the heart certainly doesn't long for
Nevertheless for tears, its encore, encore and encore..

P.S. For those who did not guess from the tone of the poem, yes, I am back in US and right now, not very happy about it...

Listening to: "Hume tumse pyar kitna" by Kishore Kumar

"Suna Gum Judai Ka Uthate Hai Log
Jaane Zindagi Kaise Bitate Hai Log
Din Bhi Yaha To Lage Baras Ke Samaan
Hume Intezar Kitna Yeh Hum Nahi Jaante
Magar Jee Nahi Sakte Tumhare Bina"

Mareyaadaroo mareyalarada Dr Raj..

"You didn't deserve the miscreants who didn't even let your last rites be fulfilled.
You didn't deserve that kind of a disrespect from some hooligans.
You didn't deserve all the violence with no purpose served.
You didn't deserve the completely unfit farewell you got

But you did deserve the love of the true fan following.
You did deserve the respect of millions of people.
You did deserve the second peaceful funeral you got.
And your soul deserves to rest in peace."

"May you rest in peace."

Dee Deep Deepawali :)

The beautiful day of lights is here :).

Deepawali has always fascinated me. Its one of my favourite festivals, not only because of the fireworks, but because of the lights and the rituals as well. There is a cheerfulness in case of Deepawali more than any other festival or that is what I have noticed in my household. I even used to love taking walks around the colony in the day just to watch kids light up patakhas (or pataki in Kannada). There's a kind of vibrant energy all around. And I used to go upto terrace during the nights and enjoy the rockets lighting up the skies. I love it :).

This year's Deepawali is in a way, a mixture of happiness and sadness for me. Its the same old story. The happiness is obviously in the fact that I have Sri now and am getting to spend it with him. The sadness comes from the fact that had we been in India, this being our first Deepawali after marriage, we'd have spent it with my parents. Its supposed to be very special. Instead, we are spending it here in a country which doesn't even know what the festival is. No one to share the joys with and obviously no walk around the colony to see children playing. No sitting up on the terrace either, the houses don't even have the terrace concept here :-p.

Its been continuously gnashing at my heart. Sri consoles me saying any Deepawali we are in India, we'll celebrate in a big way. The mind understands the logic, we can't fly to India anytime we want and all that, but the heart doesn't. It wants to throw tantrums, make a fuss and somehow be in India. The story is never-ending...

But I haven't actually let my heart bog me down. Yet. Last week we went and bought candles, plain and scented ones. The diyas are available in Indian stores, but rates are atrocious + didn't want to risk diyas, what with wooden houses here. The candles atleast have a glass/metal cover. We obviously can't have fireworks (Neighbours are sure to call 911 immediately, if they hear weird noises :-p), but atleast we saw some in the recent Atlanta trip. I actually said to myself then, this is my Deepawali. Sounds pathetic, I know, but what else can I do?

So, we did do neeru tumbso hubba (water filling festival) yesterday. I drew some decorations in turmetic-kumkum on the water heater and performed the pooja. Later we lighted up all the candles and arranged them in front of the door :). I also had taken recipes from mom for a special Deepawali dish called Ereyappa. There is sweet ereyappa and khaara ereyappa. I made both and they came out pretty well for first attempt ;-). But, while making ereyappa, the poor American mixie couldn't handle my Indian jaggery and the blade's rubber got burnt. Sri's applaudable comment to that was "We did atleast burn something, even though there wasn't any noise" and my retort was "yeah, thank God the mixie didn't explode or something, then really there'd have been a huggggge noise" :-D. We also called up our homes and some of our relatives to wish them all a prosperous Deepawali :).

Today morning woke up early. Deepawali's Naraka Chaturdashi special is enne snaana i.e Oil bath. So did enne shaastra and later had a head bath. Did an aarthi and seeked blessings. That's it. Sri headed to his office and I started my work. Yup, we will be lighting candles for 3 days, but its somehow not the same without the constant noise in the background, without the hustle bustle and without the crackers.

But its still not that bad. Last year, on the third day of Deepawali i.e Bali Padyami, I met Sri. And this Deepawali, we are together. That day I didn't even know whether to say Yes or No. Today, I can't imagine not being with him. This chain of thoughts is enough to bring a smile on my face whenever I feel even a bit down :). So thats how the cheerfulness and the spirit of the festival are maintained.

Mom and Dad, the Deepawali from your side is still baaki to us. Lets carry it over to whichever year we are back in India and then we'll celebrate it really grand :). I know you miss us and I miss you all too, but we'll make it all up when we are together again :).

As for you other people, have a wonderful Deepawali and play safe with firecrackers :).

A tale of two tears..

Scene 1:

Sunday 21st August 2005, morning 12:00 AM. Sri surprised me with a cake, candles, banners and a balloon for my birthday. He was doing suspicious stuff all evening long, but I gave him space as I didn't want to spoil it ;-) Well, that's not the point of the story. Its just that when he sang happy birthday, I was so overwhelmed that tears just flooded my eyes. It was a mingling of happiness and sadness. Happy that he had done all that and sad that we are two people on the other side of the world celebrating it all alone, together, but alone...

Scene 2:

Tuesday 23rd August 2005, evening 4:30 PM. Just went to the apartment mail box place, to collect our mails. One of the mails was a package from mom, dad and Darsh. They had told me on my birthday that they had sent something by courier, but didn't tell me what. Yet, on opening the package, again, tears started forming in my eyes. Ran home and had a good cry. Precisely another situation where happiness and sadness mingled. Happy that they had managed to send a gift across two oceans and sad that they didn't manage to send themselves or pull me there :( Sri consoled me and later teased me saying "You are crying only because you think that the ear rings they sent are really small". That earned him a teary grin and a playful punch :)

Longings for Bangalore {sigh}

Longings for Bangalore


Living in a far away country
Is not a very stressful chore.
Then why do I long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

I have a lovely home here
And a husband I absolutely adore.
Yet, why do I long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

Beautiful roads, tall buildings
Restaurants and markets in galore.
Why do I still long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

Lawns, trees, hills and falls
Various hiking trails to explore.
If so, why do I long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

Not U.K, Russia or Africa
Not Brazil, Japan or Singapore
Why do I only long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

Sometimes I feel all alone.
Sometimes everything seems a bore.
Is that why I long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore?

Mom, Dad, and Darsh are there,
So are friends, relatives and more.
That is why I long to go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore.

Someday I will see my hometown
Someday I will fly to the Indian shore.
Someday soon I'll surely go back
To my good old beloved Bangalore.

Then I'll not feel these longings anymore...

To be here or to be there?

Is not the question I know. After all, how can I leave Sri there alone in peace without anybody to trouble him? :-D But right now, if you ask me to describe my feelings in one word, the answer has to be "Torn" :(

Why does life always give us choices? Why this or that? Why can't it be both? Why, when on one side there is happiness, there is also a tinge of sadness? Why can't it all be uncomplicated and easy? And why can't I be satisified with what I get? Why, when I am getting a lot more than I expected? Why do I have to ask for more? Why do people always have to ask for more? And why am I writing all this?

A kannada song by P.B.S describes man's attitude very aptly:

Baanigondu elle ellide?
Ninnaasegelli kone ide?
Yeke kanasu kaanuve?
Nidhanisu, nidhanisu.

Translates into "Is there a limit to sky? Is there a limit to your needs? Why do you dream for more? Slow down, slow down". We want it all and we can't have it. Maybe its good that we can't. What's the fun in life if you get all you asked for? I say this too and I say that too. What can I do if my feelings fluctuate like a pendulum.

Everything's great as explained in my previous post. The only sad part is that I'm going to be so far away from dad, mom and Darsh in about a week. It'll be totally different from what it previously was. When I got married, I was sad to be apart from them. But since we were in the same city, I could visit them whenever I wanted. They could visit me whenever they/I wanted. I could call them up without worrying about the time and talk for hours. We could catch up at functions or wherever, whenever. In one week, everything will be totally different :(.

My problem is that I've never been away from my parents. I have been very lucky not having to stay in hostels or relatives' places (some people might disagree about the 'lucky' part, but it applies to me). I now call it a problem because its probably more difficult to be apart at this point of time. Some people may say I'm too dependent or that I'm pampered. But that's not the case. Yup I am emotionally dependent on them. How can I not be when they have been the ones with me, through pain and pleasure, through joy and sorrow, through special and irritating moments, through scoldings and loving words for almost 25 long years? How can I forget all that in an instant and say bye-bye? And pampered, I'm not. My mom and dad have moulded me into the woman I am today. They have struggled a lot to make me and Darsh what we are today. I'm so proud of them and proud of all that they have achieved.

Am I making a big issue out of it? These days communications have improved a lot. I can talk/chat/even see them through computers. And I have to think about Sri. Bechaara, he's all alone there right now. Atleast I was with my parents while we've been apart. And the simple truth is that I just can't bear to be away from him as I've found out in the past month. But it still won't be the same living on the other side of the world without my parents :(.

I know I'll get adjusted to it after some time. Maybe, it'll take a few days, a few weeks or maybe a few months. But, right now, I'm torn.......