A tough trough :(

Its strange how life works sometimes. Was it only a month back when I was riding the crest of happiness? Today I'm on the lowest of lows. Its not that I didn't expect this. Its only that I was hoping that it'd not turn out to be this way. Its sad that it had to happen today of all days - May 11th has been good to me so far, it being the date of our Gruhapravesha as well as Snugli's namakarna.

First the good news. I came to know that I got accepted into the college I applied to for MBA almost immediately after the application (which involved 3 essays + a few mini essays + an extended letter requesting for aid). But the bad news was that there was no aid. I again knew this would be the case, because I applied only after the scholarship deadline was done and was told that the chances were slim. This was almost 3 weeks back. I guess I sorta deluded myself into thinking that things may change ('cause the advisor had hinted that they'd know for sure by May).

The basic fact is that its a pretty huge amount. Yes we can take loans and "afford" it. My dad even offered to sponsor the studies. But I personally don't want to spend so much on a degree right now without knowing whether I will actually have the return of investment immediately. I have always been open about the fact that I want another child and we have to think of various things when making a commitment like that. And I don't want us to be burdened with loans and sacrifice the basic things I love about my life. I was hoping that if I got a scholarship, then it will just be a matter of taking care of Snugli. But well, thats not the case. Looks like I have the score, I have the experience, I have the academical record and I have even been accepted into the university, but I don't have the money :(.

Today I met with the advisor and finally said that I won't be able to accept their offer. The proverbial nail on the coffin or whatever. I asked my application to be transferred to next year (well, if there is aid then, we'll have to think long and deep about that). But this is it for MBA this year. It'd have been kinda perfect had I been able to do it this year, but things don't always go our way. Felt very bad once I was out of the advisor's office - its very tough when you see a part of your dream being crushed right in front of your eyes. I let the tears flow and the sorrow drain. Yes, it'd have been very tough to actually complete a full-time MBA in one year and I'm sure I'd have cribbed about it here. But I would have tried. Given it my best. I tell myself, its their loss. But feel that its mine..

Maybe fate has something else planned for me. Maybe I should learn to be more grateful for what I have. And I have a lot of things to be grateful about. I have things in my life that many people don't. Maybe I should just live in the moment and forget all about not having a career as of now. But somehow, these days women think careers are an integral part of their lives, so we have started to judge our failures and successes in terms of the career we have. I feel embarrassed to say I'm not working, why is it that when I do so much for my family? And its certainly not that I don't have respect for housewives. Its just that when it comes to me, I feel bad that I'm not working right now or not doing anything as I call it :-\. I always imagined myself returning to work, 1 year after having a baby. Maybe I'm the one who is being judgmental on myself. Maybe not meeting the high expectations I set for myself is what is hurting me so much. Maybe its wrong, but I can't really help it. These maybes will go on, but this post is ending here..

Manzilein Apni Jagah Hein
Raaste Apni Jagah
Jab Kadam Hi Saath Naa De
Tho Musaafir Kyaa Kare..