The thinking corner: The questions to life..

I know this might be a wrong time to start a new set of posts as I may not really get the time to follow up on it for quite sometime, but have been meaning to do this for quite a while now. My brain keeps running with some serious thoughts sometimes and I feel like putting them up in a post, but somehow they become too many and then I don't feel like writing anymore. Recently, I joined a group on Facebook and managed to post a set of thoughts there. Thats when I got the idea of doing this on my blog - a themed set of posts where I ponder seriously about something that takes over my brain. Hence, presenting the "Thinking corner". I don't want to push this any more, so lets start off without delay :).

There are many times when I wonder why we are here. Why are we born? Why do we live? Why do we die? Are we just specks of dust that are aware that they exist? Or do our lives really make a difference anywhere in this vast universe?

We all know that our lives affect atleast a few. Imagine concentric circles with the centre point being you. Your spouse or significant other is the first circle. Your parents, children, in-laws make up the second one. Your best friends form the third, first set of relatives the fourth, so on and so forth until your acquaintances make up the last circle. Most of the time, your life affects only these concentric circles and never ventures beyond the acquaintances circle. Yes, people in public lives like authors, celebrities or politicians go beyond these circles and affect the lives of strangers. But for a normal human being, the acquaintance circle is the end of it. And the nearer the circle to the center, the more the effect of your life, meaning the effect of our lives decrease as the circles become bigger. So who does my life impact most? Me.

My life belongs to me the most. Your life belongs to you the most. My life makes a difference, to me. We have all heard of reincarnations (life beyond the current life), souls and ghosts. Its all good to hear, but we don't have solid proof for any of it. Death might be the complete stop for everything we know. So for all we know, this might be the only life we have. We may not get another chance like this. I do not believe in past lives, I may have had them, but I don't remember them anyways. And so it goes for future lives as well. I have been extremely lucky in getting the sort of life I have now and I may not be so lucky even if there are future lives. Hence I believe in taking full advantage of the only life I have, in living as much as I can in the short duration we have in this world. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us. The question you have to ask yourself is this "If tomorrow is the end of your world, would you have regrets?". If so, then you need to make changes so that you don't.

We all know that we have to compromise and make adjustments for things in our lives to go smooth. But if the compromises and adjustments you make are causing you unhappiness, then are they really worth it? At the risk of sounding extremely selfish, there is a limit to everything, even personal sacrifice. If you are the only one making compromises and nobody else is even putting in the effort, then its bound to cause regrets at a later point in life when you look back and see what you have been through. There is just no point in bending to everything and everyone and later complain about how you have sacrificed all your life. Sometimes, to live your life, you have to be assertive (not aggressive) and let people know what you expect in a clear manner.

Though some of the following might sound like cliché, I have seen people never expressing what they feel to their family members, not showing they love them; People not taking vacations despite being able to do so financially, not spending enough moments with their spouses or have spare time for their children; People whose aim is only to make money and not really spending it for a worthy cause; People who don't help others in need or contrastingly do help, but only to show off; People making promises they never keep; People who are total hypocrites, preaching something while they do something totally opposite. Is this really how we want our one and only life to be? Ultimately, we are the ones living our lives, we are the ones making all the decisions. Live in the moment and try and make a difference.

All this being said, I don't have answers for any of the questions I asked in the first paragraph of this post. The fact is we may never have the answers. Everybody doesn't have the privilege of searching for answers, many don't have the financial circumstances for it and many others don't have the interest. Still others go for religious and spiritual guidance to look for answers. Yet others have pondered the questions, have decided that they probably will never know the answers and are satisfied with that. There are all kinds of people in this world. What works for someone need not work for you and what works for you need not be the solution for someone else. Whatever makes you happy is the key to life. Live and let live.

"The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is 42"- by Douglas Adams in " The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

"So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done?

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying"
- Kris Allen in the song "Live Like We're Dying".

Realization dawns..

I have realized that you cannot take anything for granted - not even things that have already happened. Just when you are thinking that everything is going well, life suddenly throws a curve ball and the very next day things might be the total opposite of yesterday.

"Life has a funny way of sneaking upon you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right" - Alanis Morisette in the song "Ironic".


I have realized that pessimism can actually be a good thing sometimes, though this fact is painful to admit for an inherently optimistic person like me. When you are totally optimistic, if things don't go your way, you'll obviously be disappointed. But being pessimistic, the hurt will be much less and if things do work out, the happiness will obviously be more ;-). Well, its not easy to change this intrinsic quality :).

I have realized that some things take time (take their own sweet time actually), no matter how much you pray, you wish or you worry. Bribing Gods only goes so far. Sometimes things happen without even trying and other times, no matter how much your effort is, the return is just not equivalent. This is especially true if you are wishing for something good to happen to someone else other than you. If you are praying and the other person is not really making decisions for the good, then tell me, what can God do to help? If you yourself don't do anything and keep pointing the finger at everyone else, then sorry to say, things will just not go your way..

I have realized that everyone is addicted to something or another. Need not be bad always. People generally hear of the bad addictions like smoking, drinking, drugs etc. But sometimes even religion (as in God), culture (as in not-meaningful-anymore rituals) or even self-obsession can be an addiction. For an example, I'm addicted to travelling, I just cannot sit at home for more than 3 months. I just long to go somewhere and see something. I also cannot do anything half-way. If I get into a new activity and I like it, its usually like building a resume - I have to go deeper into the thing almost to a semi-professional level, if not totally professional. Glad that Sri does understand and support this addiction of mine :).

I have realized that there is no point in arguing with someone with a different point of view, even though you are right in the logic. Some people stick to their opinions like they have been plastered to them with the most potent glue. And just because you fight/argue with them or write lengthy mails explaining it all, things aren't suddenly going to change. Just because you obsess over the right things to say and question your decisions of the mile-long explanations, it doesn't mean that they are doing the same thing or will have regrets about their behavior or apologize to people that have been hurt by their attitudes. Such people exist and though they are totally against the beliefs you have grown up with, you just have to deal with it and accept them.

I have realized that being young is getting to be more difficult these days. It was probably never that easy to begin with, but these days, with all the social networking, nothing you do is private anymore. When I met Sri, I wasn't on Orkut and hadn't heard of Facebook. But these days even though youngsters are subjected to arranged marriages, you can find their profile here or there. And most are public with their friends posting their photos (which can be awkward or embarrassing) or revealing messages. You can even see if you have common friends and find out more. It might be actually good when it comes to potential partners, but I kinda feel that it may lead to judging that person before actually meeting him/her which can sometimes be harmful, when all that he/she has been upto is harmless fun. Its like they cannot catch a break ;-).

I have realized that moms are the same every where :). The languages are different, sometimes even the generations are different, but the concern, care and the attitudes regarding the children are the same (of course there are extreme exceptions to this). The librarian of the library I take Snugli to daily said this to me the other day - "Sometimes when Snugli gets too excited, I have heard you say things to her. Half the time I don't understand what you say to her, but I know the voice. Its the mom voice" :-D. I have also heard moms here speaking to their kids and admonishing them when they touch certain things or do certain things, and hug them when they hurt just like I'd with Snugli :). Its a great feeling of comradeship :).

I have realized that no matter how much you try to convince them, some people living in India believe that living in the US means making loads of money. Though we do earn in dollars, these very same people seem to forget that we also spend in dollars. I know there are probably many people residing in the US who are actually here for that very purpose of making money. But sometimes the people in India just don't understand about not generalizing. Yes, personally speaking, we do have some savings. But our main purpose of being here is family life - Sri gets to be around us everyday, certainly more than a regular software engineer in India (this is what makes me okay with the fact that I don't really have a career these days). He doesn't have to leave early in the morning or stay very late in the evenings or work on weekends. In fact he comes home for lunch. I have seen some cousins/friends in India with zero family life and am grateful to have this while we do. Plus we travel a lot and go to India atleast once every 1.5 years (and carry gifts for everyone around) which doesn't come free. The only way we'll make money is if we win a lottery :-p.

I have realized that a person is as busy as he/she wants to be. Though I don't work, as a mom, I'm pretty busy. But I try and make it a point to blog, put up pictures, make calls, mail friends, wish people on their happy days whenever possible. Its not that I have time to spare, but I make the time, because I don't want to get lost in my day-to-day life. I have always thought that I shouldn't be like others, even though they might not keep me updated with everything, I have always tried to keep them in touch. But recently I have been getting very much irritated at friends/relatives who just don't reciprocate. When I put in the effort of uploading 100s of snaps and writing captions for them, atleast reply and let me know you have seen them, dammit! I know I make sure to keep you updated, but it would be nice to receive a "Hi, how are you?", just a single line mail from you. I am tired of hearing excuses of "Oh I'm too busy". How can anyone be busy to reply a single line or like a photo I put up, I'll never understand. Just how long does it take to type a single line comment? As a friend/relative, can't you spare a few seconds out of your life for me? People with kids keep telling me that they show Snugli's photos to their kids as if thats a consolation. Don't you get it that while you all know Snugli, Snugli doesn't know anyone of you because you don't bother to keep us updated?

I have realized that I'm using this post to clear out a few cob-webs in my head that have been bothering me recently and I'm certainly glad to have ;-) :-D.

Vanity, Thy name is Woman :).

Well, the actual quote by Shakespeare is "Frailty, Thy name is woman" (in Hamlet), but Vanity has taken over even the quote in common usage :-D. I have always put my absolute faith in the common usage quote :-D, mainly because I have no illusions about myself. I mean we women dedicate ourselves to threading eyebrows, waxing arms and legs most of the times, or in general torturing ourselves all in the name of our vanity :-D. Jerry Seinfeld says it best :-D.

I will never understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it on her upper thighs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider - Jerry Seinfeld.

I love Jerry and this is my most favourite quote of them all (I'm not afraid of spiders or anything that crawls btw :-D) :). But I never thought how our vanities matter in our day-to-day lives until the incident (is that ominous enough? :-D).

I wanted to write this post on July 10th commemorating the 5th month anniversary of my fainting incident. But well, I am writing it now :-p. As you read then, I had/have a sense of humour about it, as long as I was at home and not facing any crowds. As soon as I had to get out of the house, the anxiety would start. I had a blatant scar on my forehead and a very noticeable lump and scar above my upper lip. So I would obsess that everyone would notice it (I know I'm not queen Cleopatra, to turn everyone's heads, hehehee, but sometimes my imagination runs wild :-D). I would wonder what anyone might think about it. In fact, things were so bad the first month that I hardly ever got out of home.




This is the only photo I have of me during that first month. It was taken on Sri's birthday, i.e 18 days after the incident. Atleast it was winter then, so whenever I did go out, I wore a wintercap which covered my forehead (I couldn't do anything for the scar above my upper lip). I have photos of Sri and me hung over the walls and sometimes, I wouldn't even be able to look at them without feeling sad and angry. I wouldn't accept invites from any acquaintances we have here, because I didn't want to narrate the entire story to them..

Sri was completely supportive and my parents were literally trying to knock some sense into me. Mom would recount stories of worse accidents (women who lost their teeth in accident and had major surgeries) and somehow though I understood everything, I simply couldn't help it. Dad was like, people have their own concerns and why would they be concerned with you. It'd always make me laugh, but again I would regress. Maybe it was some form of depression. I mean I have had accidents before, but having something on your face is different from anything else. To this day I don't know why.

I would apply vitamin E oil to it twice or thrice a day plus some other ayurvedic ointment at night (kumkumadi thaila) - both are supposed to help with scars. Slowly things started changing, but not because the scars started fading or anything like that. But because I would make myself go out - thats when I started taking Snugli to the library. I used to apply a thin coat of make-up to hide the scars, but if you stared right at my face, the scars would still be visible (I used to joke to my close friends that I have never applied make-up all my life and now I am becoming an expert at it :-D). And I got back to swimming, making it a point not to apply makeup for that :-D. I did catch up with people I knew when I went swimming, I'd see some questions in their eyes, but they were too polite to ask about it :). About 2 months later, I'd even go to the park nearby without make-up.

Today, 5 months later I still apply some compact powder before I go out, but thats about it. The scars have faded a lot, but the areas are still a tiny bit sore. There was a lump on the area above my upper lip which was pretty bad and which I worried about, now the soreness is gone and the size of the lump has reduced a lot. The scar there is hardly visible (unless you look at it too closely). The forehead scar is a horizontal 'Y' and it is visible. But the main thing is they are not on my mind all the time as it was then. I don't bother about them at all now. Guess I just needed time..




I took this photo today (no makeup whatsoever :-D, the thing on my chin is a pimple :-p - vanity strikes again :-D). On a side note, this was another photography experiment - getting the feel of portraits by taking self-portraits first :).

As I said, I still don't know why I was so bothered about it. Maybe I was afraid that people judged me by looks and hence would not even try to get to know me, the person inside. Or maybe I am shallow when it comes to certain things. Or maybe I felt like I lost a part of me forever. Or maybe I was just insecure and wondering whether people who loved me would continue to love me despite this (meaning I was being an idiot :-D). Well, I have been proved wrong in many of these already and as I said sometime back, I am me no matter what happens :). Like Aamir says in Dil Chahtha hai, "Perfection cannot be improved", hehehehee :)).

On the wings of time..

I know its been a long time since my last post. Most of these days, time feels like a whirlwind, it goes so fast that I keep wondering what is happening to it. Actually thats not true, I do know how its going, but somehow get surprised every time that okay another week is over and I didn't do all that I wanted to do! I do have many thoughts to jot out and a huggggggggggge travel post coming up, but sometimes I wonder, is anyone even reading my blog? I know my family does and my close friends do, but I hardly get any comments (even if I do, I hardly respond :-p) and sometimes, only a few times mind you, I feel, why the heck am I even putting the effort? But I do know the answer to that. I write for myself, but even typing seems like a chore these days :-\. And the ramblings go on..

Forget that and lets get on with the updates that I have..

1) As I mentioned earlier, we went to California for a 5-day trip about a week back and had a pretty-wonderful-time-except-for-a-few-things :-D, so I'll be writing about it soon.

2) As for how the time goes, I am hopelessly addicted to Survivor (and Jeff Probst ;-) :-D) these days, so am watching the older seasons on a continuous marathon in the afternoons (about 15 seasons done, 5 more to go :-D). Plus have been reading up on Photography, Astronomy and Astrophotography, so lot of things going on in my head. Yeah, that reminds me, have to put up a post on each of those :-p, atleast something on photography which is still going on in full josh mode :-D (lots of experimenting and lot of success :-D) . So, my morning is gone in cooking and some days, taking Snugli to the library and my afternoons vanish in reading or Survivor ;-).

3) As for evenings, I go swimming twice a week, actually thrice including the one time we take Snugli swimming (yup, another post due). I took some lessons last November, re-learned a few things and learned a few new styles. Basically having a lot of fun :)). There is also my gardening which is going great (which means one more post), my gladioli are back and I have new Dahlia flowers coming up. I plan to plant some chrysanthemums soon, so have lots of work there. Flower photography is blooming to say the least ;-).

4) Have to mention the nights, don't I? ;-) :-D. Since about a week, have been trying to catch a glimpse of Comet McNaught (it appears only sometime pre-dawn, so got up 2 nights for that :-\). Its still not really visible to the naked eye, but I thought maybe my camera can "see" it. Well, I have been disappointed so far, but it is supposed to brighten up next week, only to fall below the horizon. Lets see if I can catch it before it falls :).

5) And then there is Snugli. She is fully into her terrible twos and believe me, they are as terrible as they can get! Since she's literally driving me up the walls (Oh God, I have so many posts!) and school doesn't start here until she's 4 years old (I think or maybe its 5), I have started to look for a daycare/pre-school for her (there are waiting lists for the damn things :-p). I don't really plan to send her for the entire day, but I need a break for atleast half-a-day, thrice a week. Right now still looking into it, hopefully something will be finalized by month end..

6) Also wanted to add that we saw Toy Story 3 yesterday and its awesome, awesome, awesome. Especially the last part about growing up and moving on brought tears to my eyes, reminding me so much of my past (our connection with our childhoods never goes away) and making me think about the future when our little ones will fly the nest :(. I think all the women were crying (I noticed atleast 2 other women, we sniffed and then grinned at each other, hehehe). Please don't miss it and if you haven't seen 1 or 2, then there is no better time than now ;-).

As you can see, things haven't been "boring" in the Deeps household :))). I really wish for the 100th time that I had a mind reader which would jot down posts for me. Is somebody listening?? Oh well, I'm here, I am writing, I am living life as I want it and thats all that counts..

BTFYA 9 - Less than ideal :).

The final post of the series :). I have to say I enjoyed doing this, though I am sad that it is ending at 9 posts (I don't like odd numbers - one of my quirks :-D). I wish I could have stretched it to one more, but don't want to write anything just for the sake of writing it :). But whatever I have written I am plenty happy with and thats whats important..

Five years ago, as a new bride, I wanted everything to be ideal. But more than everything else, I wanted myself to be ideal - the ideal wife, the ideal daughter-in-law and when the time would come, the ideal mother. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think most girls feel like this. We are always conditioned like that by our parents who are in turn pressured by the society as such. Anyways as I was saying, I wanted to follow all the rules in the non-existent book, so to say. I didn't want to be the rotten apple of the bunch :-D.

But things have a way of going in the opposite direction of how you want them to and isn't that the truth! Not that I'm the rotten apple :-D. I have always been basically a goody-two-shoes in a devil's clothing ;-). So sticking to my own "rules" wasn't the hardship I imagined it to be. But slowly I realized that the definition of "ideal" is different to different people. Though you may think that you have been ideal in doing certain things, there will always be people to contradict you and make you think otherwise. I can't really blame them, because their definition of "ideal" was most certainly something else. The more I struggled to be ideal, the more I realized that I was losing myself. Idealism is an illusion, created by a few unknown people, which only serves in making you miserable.

Moreover, it didn't matter whether I was ideal or not. It never does. People around me were never ideal (yup, according to me :-D) and the situations almost always weren't. For a relationship to work, the effort has to be from both sides, be it in any relationship. If the one side is exerting all the effort, never appreciated for the work put in, while the other side is still venting out frustrations without putting in any effort, then the relationship is doomed no matter what. My dad always says that "You try as hard as you can and don't expect the other person to do the same". For example his saying about a simple phone call is "You make a call to the elders out of respect (even if they don't call you) and you make a call to the younger ones because they don't know better" :-D. Very ideal, I know :-D. I have always tried and followed that (and its not only in the matter of phone calls), but still it gets to me sometimes that most people around me don't try as hard as I do. So how is it ideal in anyway?

For a relationship to work, both sides have to make adjustments. There has to be give and take. But as I said earlier, I felt that while making those changes, I was losing a part and later most of myself. If you are compromising everything, even your true self to make a situation ideal, then who is it ideal for? It certainly wasn't for me. I found myself over-thinking, over-emotional and upset with everything, with even myself. And I realized that sacrificing myself for the greater good is certainly not the thing for me :-D. I have made certain adjustments and they are a part of me now, but all in all, I am what I am. If you can't accept me the way I am, then there is nothing I can do about it (I cannot harm my true self for the so-called well-wishers' sake). One of the women quite close to me once said that she has adjusted and compromised everything all her life, first with her hubby and in-laws, then with her children, just to keep things moving smoothly. But I refuse to live like that. Its not that only I should have a say, but that I too should have a say in the decisions made (I hope you get what I mean). I refuse to blend into the background..

I am not having this epiphany after 5 years. This has been a day-to-day learning. But as I look back at my 5-year younger self, I find myself laughing at her, at the ideas and the ideals she had. If she had known what I know now, she could have avoided a lot of pain, suffering and anger :-D. And that my friends, is called life experience :).

Just a note to people who found this post too vague - I know its difficult to understand unless you are in my shoes. But I know many women are - compromising their true self for the betterment of the family and I hope they can relate to this..

And this post is the end to the Back-to-five-years ago series. I hope you enjoyed the series as much as I enjoyed being nostalgic :).

The whys..

- Why does the heart take such a long time in realizing something that the brain seems to grasp in a second?
- Why do we never say "Why me?" when faced with good times, but never fail to say it when things are bad?
- Why is it that when everything is hunky and dory, its credited to ourselves and termed "oLLe dese" (good phase or good luck), but when its not, its blamed on somebody else and termed "Ketta dristi" (evil eye)?
- Why do people suddenly realize that they have to be thankful for what they have, when they don't have something they want?
- Why are some people so wonderful (especially moms ;-) :-D) while others just don't seem to have a sensitivity chip?
- Why is it that sometimes you yourself cannot convince yourself?
- Why is it that our expectations of some people in our lives never decrease despite their never meeting not one of those expectations?

And finally
- Why is the doctor saying I have low blood pressure when it should be shooting off the roof top because of all the stress I've been facing? :-D (yes I am grinning :-D).

The duality..

The dual nature of us NRIs (yeah, there I admitted it :-p), always manages to surprise me. As long as we are in the US, we act mostly like Americans, doing our own work, following road rules and basically living the American life. As soon as we are here, our second personality takes over, we drive recklessly shouting at everyone (including the pedestrians who are treated like Gods in the US), let others do our work and basically the inherent Indian within us jumps out and rejoices :-D.

We are as comfortable with dollars as we are with rupees. Our stride doesn't change no matter we are in the most posh of malls there in the US or the dingiest of markets here in India. Yes there are factors which require a few modifications, but we manage to transition into those pretty smoothly too. For example when it comes to being stared at here in India, for me personally, I feel my defenses going up as soon as I land in India and I feel more aware :-\. I am more comfortable in western clothes than in Indian wear, but again I see myself adapt. And this adaptability is what amazes me the most. Its as if we have another face that we know about and bring forward only when required ;-). Its also what makes me question myself - is there anything called a true nature of a person? Hmmm..

Up in the air..

Thoughts in my head as we crossed the proverbial seven seas to be back home for a month's vacation:

• How come the increase in the number of suitcases is never proportional to increase in satisfaction? This time Snugli has a ticket and hence an allotment of 2 extra luggage, but still we managed to take the maximum number. Wonder how we managed with only 4 large ones earlier? :-p.


• The guy had to go and try this just before we were about to travel (yeah, I know I should be glad that he didn't try it in our plane :-p) and thanks to him, the security rules, previously indecipherable are now even more confusing, 'cause we don't know what rule an airport chooses to follow anymore. So we went in literally at 7AM for a 10:30AM flight. Thankfully there weren't many people so we were able to be done with the security check pretty fast. That was the good part, the bad - we not only went through one of the checks in Lexington, but had to go through 2 more in our stopover at Frankfurt, Germany!! Now that was loads of fun with a toddler :-p.


• Why are stopovers feeling like fitness tests these days? The terminal to terminal walk at Chicago took over 30 min and the one at Frankfurt was atleast 45 min (please excuse double security checks :-p). We did not carry Snugli's stroller with us, but the poor thing walked with us without any complaints. That almost took away our frustrations :).


• I know I have ranted about this many times, but this is a humble (Bah!) request to airlines. Please think of moms with babies when you are planning a toilet on a plane. Why don't you try this? Carry a screaming toddler into a current plane toilet and help them do their thing and see how comfy the whole experience is. To Snugli's defense, she was scared by the whooshing sound made by the toilet flush and so to quieten her, I had to sing her favourite song ("Aankhon me teri" from Om Shanthi Om) pretty loud (probably all the passengers on the plane can vouch for that :-p). To her credit, the flush didn't really dissuade her from saying "Pee Potty" whenever she had to go and I am so proud of her :).


• Deepthi's theorem of toddlers on a plane - "When more than 2 babies are screaming their head off on a plane, the one baby who is the least heard is automatically termed the most well-behaved" :-D. Yup, Snugli did make a fuss now and then, but she certainly wasn't audible among the other howling ones. So I got compliments on how polite and beautifully behaved she was! Hehehehee :)).


• I have one good thing to say about Lufthansa's food - the rice was soft and the gravy had veggies which Snugli enjoyed. Sadly, as usual, the gravies had the same tastes though made of different veggies. I was glad nevertheless, as I didn't carry anything for Snugli as I heard that people who carried curd rice for their babies were mercilessly asked to dispose them off :(. Shaabaash security wale, no wonder, when you are busy securing baby foods, actual threats are going inside the planes :-p. Anyways Snugli even ate a couple of fruit pieces and I was basically satisfied about her stomach :-D.


• I couldn't see a single shop of Frankfurt as they pushed us into the farthest corner of the airport to catch the plane to Hyderabad locking us in with a security check :((. I thought I'll atleast look at a few German chocolates, well, maybe I have to thank them for the reduction of a few calories :-p. Whats with these European airports and them allotting not even an aero-bridge to planes heading towards India? I mean do they even realize how inconvenient this is for parents with young children? In case of aero-bridges, we get preference and are able to put away the luggage (and the children :-D) before others head our way. With a bus and a staircase, imagine the wonderful organizational possibilities :-p. I have noticed this with Air France last time and Lufthansa this time. Maybe since the planes are filled with more than 90% of Indians, the authorities wash their hands off organization :-p. How convenient for them :-p.


• In this whole story, I had only 2 hours of sleep, which also meant that I got to watch 4 movies on the plane! I saw Up, Harry Potter and the Half blood prince, Julie and Julia and 500 days of summer, interlaced with Snugli stuff :-D.


• About 5 minutes to landing in Hyderabad, I started telling Snugli about how she'll soon meet her grandparents, uncle and aunt in about 5 minutes time and this 5 min stretched to about 2 hours thanks to late luggage arrival and customs check as a bonus :-p (paapa, I kept telling her 5 min, 5 min at every point :-p). We didn't see even a single luggage of ours for more than half an hour, our only solace being that we were not the only bakras - almost 3/4th of the plane was still waiting with us :-p. When we finally got outside after the big fuss, it was a huggggggggge get-together :-D. Snugli, though at first bewildered by the entire herd :-D, soon went to everyone with wide open arms recognizing each person :). Sri and I felt for the first time that our efforts of connecting online through video calls every weekend with both side parents were finally appreciated and rewarded :-D.


• Jet lag, what jet lag? We faced almost negligible lag and what little lag that Snugli had, was blown to smithereens by the now-famous Teletubbies :-D.


• Just one important note to parents travelling with infants - Sri was sitting next to this guy who had a horrendous experience. It seems he bought a ticket for his infant, but didn't get an e-ticket mentioning the infant, though the baby was mentioned in the itinerary. The airline people refused to allow the baby inside, since there was no way to generate a boarding pass for the baby without an e-ticket!! The connecting airline gave him 2 options, the 1st being they'd allow him (with wife and baby) to fly till Chicago, but could not guarantee that Lufthansa would do the same (in case they didn't, he'd have to go out to ticketing and buy a fresh ticket in Chicago which might take a long time) or the 2nd option being he could buy a ticket for the infant with them at the current price which was $1000!! Not wanting to take a risk, he went for the 2nd option thinking he will sort the troubles with his agent. So if you are travelling with a baby, please make sure you have an e-ticket in the baby's name too!!

Right now, the hot lingo in town is Snugli's lingo :-D. Everyone is talking and walking Snugli :-D, so she's fully enjoying the pampering.

Thought Train choo choo :-D

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Today is Balipadyami, so you know what that means :). 5 years ago on Balipadyami day, I met Sri, so today is our thithi-prakaara-day-we-met anniversary :-D. I still have difficult believing it happened 5 years ago and we have been through so many things. I know its a cliche`, but it really feels like it was yesterday. I still remember so clearly the first time I saw him. Touch wood, there has never been a dull moment so far and it feels like its still beginning. If you think of it, it is the beginning. After all we have only been together a small number of years compared to the rest of our lives ;-). And there's so much to see and so much more to do :). Looking forward to the rest best days of our lives :).

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We did make it to the temple on Naraka Chaturdashi day and the fireworks though late was wonderful. This time they even distributed packets of sparklers to kids (actually the thing was a cross between a sparkler and a pencil :-p) and Sri got a packet for Snugli. She really enjoyed the whole hullabaloo, though she was a bit startled by the first rocket :-D. I even made her hold a sparkler-pencil and she waved it around. They even had some flower pots and she cheered at it all :-D. It was still way too cold, but she seemed fine until midnight when I felt her burning up. She had a slight fever all day yesterday, which went high yesterday evening, but has been okay today though a bit fussy. So we are not too worried. The best part is that whenever we ask her what we saw in the temple, she says "Thaami" (for swaami, God) and when we ask, what she saw outside, she says "Palaaki" (for Pataki, crackers) and when we ask how was the pataki, she says "Shooper" (for super, ofcourse :-D). Her memory is growing stronger day by day, so its fun to see her remember things from days/weeks ago and say it :-D. More instances of that in some other post..

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Most of the times when I carry my camera with me, I feel that rather than enjoy that particular moment, I am always intent on capturing it for the future. There are many a times I have actually missed seeing the event as such just because my eyes are behind the camera. But the irony is that whenever I don't carry the camera with me, I always end up regretting it. The firework celebration was such an instance. Snugli with the sparkler would have been a deserving photo, but well, I was there, without the camera actually enjoying her expressions. Later I wished I had captured the first time she held a sparkler :-p. There always has to be one or the other complaint, otherwise life isn't fun, I guess :-D..

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Have you ever stood in total darkness? Its the few moments before your eyes get adjusted to the darkness and start "seeing" the dark outlines of all objects. I find myself closing my eyes just to find my way. Its as if the totality of the darkness is too distracting/confusing and closing my eyes helps in remembering/clearing where everything is! Closing my eyes actually helps me see :-D.

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One of the things I kinda love is feeling cold cold air on my skin after a sweaty workout. Its almost as if the sweat drops are subjected to instant freeze :-D. And its somehow refreshing. The contrast of feelings is kinda amazing - just a few moments ago, its terribly hot and you can't wait to finish the workout and suddenly you are feeling extreme opposite temperatures! Ofcourse this is just the beginning of winter, so its alright. I am still not crazy enough to subject myself to such a drastic temperature change once true winter sets in :-D.

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I have a very active imagination. When I was young I used to dream about travelling to a different planet, one with a huge-gigantic-tremendous (I mean very very very big here) crystal palace, hence named Sphatika and living there :-D. Well, even now whenever I feel bored doing something, I imagine I'm doing it in a very interesting way. For example, if I'm finding cooking tedious, then I am on the food network presenting an Indian vegetarian cooking show :-D. Or if I'm bored of driving then either I'm a spy being chased by "every" car behind me or am chasing the car in front :-D. Or when I'm exercizing sometimes, I'm suddenly in a dance competition, dancing for my life :-D. Sadly, I still haven't discovered any cure for cleaning the house :-p.

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Wanted to add just another thing before I forget. One thing I always tell people is that I was a "koopa manduka" before I left India to come live in the US. To me, "koopa manduka" implies being stuck in your comfort zone. I can't even describe the feeling you get when you see other parts of the world which have nothing to do with yours and see that there are so many different thoughts of progress be it in religion, be it in day-to-day habits, or be it in anything :-p. It like being confronted with a different set of reality. I always thought that a person learns a lot just by living in another country. But lately I have realized that a person can be a "koopa manduka" whereever she/he is. No matter how modern they are or how forward thinking they may pretend to be, some people just don't venture out of their comfort zones to take it as an opportunity to learn. One simple example - we know of a family living here in the US for about 10 years now and both the husband and the wife don't know where cities like Seattle and Boston are in the US! And they are probably 1/2 or 3/4th on the way to a US citizenship! I can't pretend I know everything, and I don't know several cities in the central US, in fact before I came to US, I have to confess that I honestly didn't know that New York and San Francisco were on opposite coasts and had thousands of miles distance between them :-D. But this is like living in India for 10 years and not knowing where Calcutta or Hyderabad is! Well, sadly they might not even know that, I haven't bothered to find out :-p.

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Finally nothing, I repeat nothing, bonds 2 women like the topic of "how their tummies never seem to lessen despite working out and how their husbands' never seem to increase despite not working out" (yeah both the women conveniently forget the part about how they gulum chocolates without counting and their hubbies don't :-D, hehehee). This is one topic that is age/caste/country no bar :-D. If you have nothing to talk about with a woman, then here is THE topic to go about making a friend :-D. Well, as you can guess, I had this conversation with one woman in my group exercize class and you can't imagine the perfect look of understanding that passed between us :-D. And yup she is a 30-odd year old Catholic from Costa Rica :).

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The b(d)rainwaves..

Oh man, I haven't updated the blog for days. I still have so much to write about - our Nashville trip, the fair we went to - Snugli enjoyed that so much, about how I feel I'm becoming more and more judgmental and what not. Oh wait, I've also been planning to write about the lullabies I sing to Snugli, the rhymes I try and teach her and so many things. I don't know where the time goes. There are so many things to be done. Still haven't completely setup this home - am yet to buy some things to make it look good. I have to atleast make the ground floor look good before we start inviting people home. Sri's friend already invited us once, so we have to invite them to our house too. Moreover we have already had lunch and dinner in our 2 neighbours' houses. I have to invite them this week, but there will be total 10 people and I wonder if I can manage to cook for them. They both have parents around so they have some help, but I have to do most things myself. Before that I have to get the house ready. Maybe I'll make chapathis, bisi bele baath...

This is a sample of the non-stop transmission that goes on and on, day and night in my brain. Sometimes I feel it ticking so bad that I feel its going to explode anytime. I wish it'd just take a break :-p, shutdown for a while you know? Its like a constant bee buzzing in my ears. I feel so tired some days without even doing anything. Sometimes I even have trouble sleeping because my brain refuses to stop. You know whats worse? It keeps ticking in my sleep too, I get these weird dreams which kinda end up making me feel more exhausted! I wish I could drain the thoughts into a pensieve or something (thats a Harry Potter reference for those who don't know :-p) and finally get some peace. I've tried meditation, but no use :(. I don't know how to make it stop.

Hellllllllllllpppppppppppp :))))))))))))))).

A step forward in time..

What if you had a glimpse of a day, say 10 years into future? Or maybe you could travel in time to the future and you see what happens to you then? What if you find out its not what you expect it to be today? I guess there is no question necessary if you find out that everything is exactly as you wanted it to be. Would you think its fate and resign yourself to what you saw? Or would you try to change whats to come? I'm sure you must be thinking what brought this on. Three things actually :).

First was a book I read called "FlashForward" by Robert J Sawyer. Its about a huge experiment resulting in most people in the world having a "flashforward" for a few moments where they see a glimpse of what they are doing 20 years in the future. There are 2 main protagonists - one of whom is engaged to one girl, but sees himself married to another woman, while the other doesn't see anything, which they later discover to mean that the person is dead. The former guy thinks that the future cannot be changed, so he starts thinking about breaking up with his fiancee, since he thinks thats what is going to happen anyways (indirectly causing the thing himself). The latter guy becomes obsessed with his death and determines he shouldn't die, so he tries to find people who know something about his death! I won't tell you what the outcome is, in case you are interested in reading the book (I'd suggest you don't look at the Wikipedia link either) ;-). Its two opposing attitudes which result in very unexpected results..

Second was another book called "The Time Traveler's wife" by Audrey Niffenegger . Its about a guy time-traveling all over the different times and finding out stuff long before he would normally find out. Its a beautiful book about the relationship between the guy and his wife, while the guy is jumping all over time. Some of the time travel concepts are not really "logical" (as if time travel itself is logical :-D), but its a book worth reading. In the book, the logic is that you can't change what's going to happen. But then again would you be able to go on if you knew things would end badly?

Lastly I saw a movie on the same concept, "Premonition" starring Sandra Bullock. The movie itself wasn't anything great, but again on the same concept that I'm talking about. We always hope that things are as good or better for us in the future. What would you do if you knew they weren't? Its a very scary thought. More scary is death (there, I said it). I don't fear death for myself but I'm very scared about my loved ones. I pray that no harm come to them and whatever harm may go through me first (on a different track, there is a saying that we are selfish in the matter of death too. We never think that others will suffer if we die, but just pray that we don't suffer ourselves!). Still its scary. So the best thing to do is to stop thinking about what will/won't happen in the future and to live in the moment as much as possible.

On the same note, 10 years ago, if you had asked me what I expected 10 years from then, it'd be pretty much as it is today. I'd certainly have thought that I'd be managing a career as well, but I'm glad that it is what it is. And I'd probably have imagined my life with my-then-current-infatuation, but this life with Sri is wayyyy better ;-). Well, I have some of my past infatuations on social networking sites as friends and lets just say that now I know whatever happens, happens for the good :-D. I am so so glad to have met Sri when I did and to have what I have with him. And no matter what happens tomorrow, I'll always have this :).

Just putting a song which tallies with the situation, Pink singing "Who Knew?" (the video isn't anything great, but the lyrics somehow are)..

Thanks to GAMBITGODDESS for the video.

As the song says, count your blessings now :).

A change in need is a change indeed..

Sometime ago, one of my friends wrote about change. It was about how we need to adapt ourselves to changes happening around us. But thats not the change I want to write about. And no, I'm not referring to change as in money either :-\. The change that I want to talk about is the change we undergo each day, the personal change in our beliefs, in our behaviour, in our activities depending on things that influence us.

As we grow up, we undergo many a change. A person might declare that she/he hasn't changed at all. But we all know that cannot be true. As kids, we are immature, we do not understand anything. But as we grow into adults, we start understanding many a thing, we start undergoing a major change - finding a point of view about the world, about everything in general and some things in particular. Adolescence is the part of life when we are most susceptible to change. I'm not talking about good/bad change here. Its where we each learn whats good/bad for us (your good might not be mine yet). But as we grow into adults, we almost get molded into a fixed point of view.

One situation is that a person is living with others and is open to change. Then there is a chance for argument and changing personal views if she/he thinks what the other person says is right. This is true in many marriages. Each person gets influenced by the other and hence grows up to some extent. As partners, they each learn to make adjustments which are not exactly compromises, but mutual agreements to keep things running smoothly. Usually the changes that happen are good - both the spouses learn to fine-tune their behaviour to make things better, if not ideal. This is mutually advantageous and generally leads to a higher level of compatibility and understanding.

Another situation is when a person changes too much to please others. She/he gets influenced too much which in turn leads to loss of individuality and dependence on others for each and every decision. Its as if they don't have an opinion of their own. Simple decisions become complicated and lead to discord, if not in others, in the person itself. And it gets worse when they want to do something which does not meet the approval of others (I don't mean bad habits or any wrongdoings here, but simple things like buying a cloth for oneself). They have to make excuses for the very same things they love doing and once did without any objections. The suffering becomes one-sided and that too because the person didn't have the strength or wasn't allowed to voice out her/his opinions in the beginning. This may or may not be in a marriage as such. The point is that too much of a change is also not good.

And then there are some, who are not willing to change whether they live with others or are completely alone. These people become set in their ways and start to think that they are always right. They want everything, everyone in the house behaving the way they want, despite daily seeing what the others are going through, the struggles. In the beginning there might be some opposition from others, but when the person does not heed their words, they gradually stop trying to change the person. Hence these kind of people become used to getting what they want and doing what they want, when they want. If such people live alone, then its natural for them to be unwilling to any kind of change. The problem occurs when these people come into contact with others, they try to implement their will in others' lives and end up hurting others as well as themselves. But the situation is worse if it is in a marriage, then it so happens that the compromise is only from one person while the other person is not making adjustments of any sort at all. There are troubles brewing where they shouldn't and there might even be some suppressed wants and feelings which might be boiling beneath the surface waiting to explode anytime. It is a bit better if its more of a I-do-my-thing-while-you-do-yours attitude i.e live and let live policy, but thats not usually the case.

I know this is a strange topic to suddenly crop up from nowhere. All the people in our lives fit into one of these categories. Thankfully most people in my world are in the first one, but there are a few littered in the second and third categories. But as an onlooker, I end up feeling helpless and desperate, not able to help/interfere in such people's lives. And "helpless and desperate" is not a good feeling. Whats worse is that sometimes such things happening in others' lives may somehow end up affecting ours and end up hurting us or hurting a person close to us. We just have to console ourselves and move on. There's no way we can help/change a person unless that person genuinely wants to change. And thats the trouble isn't it? We all want the world to be according to our view and what we don't realize is:

It takes all sorts to make a world - a proverb.

On the same note, I wanted to put this video here. Its one of my favourite songs and has one of the most haunting melodies. Its called "Mad World" by Gary Jules.

Thanks to YouTube and user orijimi for the video.

The lyrics aren't anything great, but I do love this part..

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles,
Its a very very...

Mad world..
Mad world..

Is it lonely at the top?

I am watching you sit all by yourself. And I wonder..

Do you want to be alone? Or are you lonely?

Are you feeling totally lost? Or are you the light for others' paths?

Are you smiling secretly about someone? Or are you irritated with something somebody did?

Are you wondering how to put food on your kids' table? Or are you proud that you have been able to?

Are you satisfied and enjoying the results of a job well done? Or are you disappointed so much that you don't want to show your face to anyone?

Are you happy and enjoying the wind on your face? Or is the wind turning your tears to ice drops?

Are your loved ones ignorant of your feelings? Or are you ignorant of whats going on around you?

Is your head overflowing with thoughts? Or are you able to think at all?

One thing I know for sure is that you are not thinking about what to write on your blog or how to send the snaps of your babies to your loved ones, because you are..

A bird.

Just a bird on the roof-top of a house..

Another think coming..

When you have a brain there are thoughts. In my case, since there are thoughts, then I must have a brain ;-) :)). The thoughts don't really wait for an appointment or your permission. They come and they go. Here's my attempt to capture a few that have been circulating in my head for, well, lets say, sometime now.

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Nothing gets the thoughts circulating like death. Recently one of Sri's grand-uncles died and this is the first time after the death of my grand father that I'm encountering the demise of a person who was a bit close to us. We had quite an interaction with him in our India trip this year and after we heard of his passing away, the image of him playing with Snugli lingered for a few days in my mind. He was a true believer of God and well, that was what made me think. Even though we might claim otherwise, we have certain expectations of everything, even death. We don't know whether the expectations will be met, but even if they are met, will we be even aware of what we had expected earlier? Even if we exist in some form, will we be aware of what we left behind, or who we left behind for that matter? I can only hope he is in a place where he wanted to be..

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On the same note, I came to know of the death of a 2-month old today morning which shook me (don't panic, this post is not all about death). It seems the baby choked on milk while he was breast-feeding and passed away even before they could take him to the hospital! And it literally shook my heart as I hadn't even heard of such a thing before (Snugli got a few extra tight hugs on that regard). I never thought that the life-giving milk can take away a life. I can't bear to imagine what the mother is going through. I was on the verge of tears despite not seeing the baby ever and not even knowing the parents (the father is a second cousin and I haven't seen him for years). It was then I received a call from a very close friend that she's pregnant for the 2nd time (she has a 3 year old boy). And I could literally see my feelings go from a shade of sorrow to utter joy. It was literally as if a ray of sunshine burst into the gloom surrounding me. Its these contrasts of life that will never cease to amaze me.

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Why do we suppress all negativity and try to share the positivity as much as possible? I don't know about you, but I seem to do this a lot. When I'm happy, be it a very small joy, I shout it loud to the world. But if its sadness, I try and keep it inside. It doesn't go beyond my family. You may have noticed it on my blog too. Most of my posts are happy. It doesn't really mean that everything is hunky and dory. There are times when Sri and I have fights (Gasp, yes we do :-p) and I'm angry or I'm hurt. But somehow I can't seem to share those times on the blog. Its not that I want to create an illusion on the blog of a perfect life with no downs. But somehow it seems too personal. Since when is sorrow personal and joy not? Another example is a simple thing like taking photos. When we are in the picture of health, we take multiple number of snaps, but if we are ill, how come the camera is forgotten all of a sudden? If life is a mish-mash of joys and sorrows, then why are the moments of sadness given this treatment? Probably, we find some solace in the fact that the moments of sadness are negligible compared to those of joy. Weird!

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Its been sometime since I have written a poem for a post. Its not that I don't have ideas. But previously when I had an idea, I used to jot it down somewhere and then expand it into a poem. These days I don't really have the luxury of time and even if I do, I have minimum 10 posts lined up to write, 3 months worth of photos to send (I usually write captions for these which people have started to come to expect :-p, so that eats away the time) and around 5 people I intend to call (this list keeps increasing each day!).

And so more than a few brilliant lines
That materialized from a point in nowhere..
Have been so far pityingly suppressed
Into corners of my mind here and there.

:).

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Recently another of my friends started blogging. So I have 5 real-life, very good friends of mine blogging currently (well, 3 of them haven't updated their blogs for a while, you know who you are and I'm watching your blogs, so update soon! :-p). It kinda feels nice to have been the first of them all to start blogging, so even though I might not be the inspiration, I like to think that I have contributed to their blogging instincts :-D. And I know that they all read my blog whether they update theirs or not, so that keeps me inspired to put a post atleast now and then ;-) :-D.

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Then there are a few "once in a month" comments/emails on my blog that absolutely make my day :) (For the commentator who asked me for my email, its on my profile page). They say how their lives relate to mine or how they encountered my blog by chance and how they can't stop reading it. I'm not writing this as a boast, but to let you know that you guys are the other inspiration for me to make an effort to put up a post. Now you can guess why I don't really care about the comments on my posts (Heck I think the number of posts that have zero comments are wayyyyyyy more than any posts that do :-p). Whats even more wonderful is that a couple of old friends found me through my blog! Can you believe that!

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Talking of finding people, I love Orkut solely for that reason. I don't really like absolute strangers leaving "Wanna friend me?" messages (double :-p), but I love it that I'm getting in touch with schoolmates who I never thought in my wildest dreams, that I'll ever see again. And I'm getting to know every update that happens to them and its somehow amazing to me. I wish that more people that I have lost contact with would join there. Or maybe atleast find my blog from somewhere ;-).

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For those who are counting how long it will be before I write something about Snugli, you can stop counting now :-p. I got her a haircut last saturday. Her hair had been growing out of control, so now she has a bob cut. She out grew her baby hair-brush about a month back. She's 11 months old and she is already outgrowing things (many of her dresses/towels she outgrew long time back). And its a dwandwa (dilemma) for me each time. I want to see new things for her, but yet feel very emotional whenever the old things are going away. Somehow it makes me want to cry. Its like there are too many changes too soon. It feels like the moments are slipping away and I can't help but be a spectator..

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One thing I have realized with Snugli is that being the first child has its perks (it took me so long to realize that :-D. Don't let Darsh hear me say this ;-) :-D). As the first baby, there is no competition and no comparison until if and when the 2nd baby comes along. The first baby is the only one which has the exclusiveness of parents. The 2nd baby always has to share his/her parents. That maybe the reason why the younger ones are pampered more ;-). Also 2nd child will always be compared to the first one (He walked before her, she started saying words late and so on). Parents say that they treat the children equal, but the children always think otherwise. I always thought that my parents were partial to Darsh, but one final day was really surprised to hear him say the same of me! Guess our parents did treat us equal then ;-), hehehehe :)). One disadvantage that first children face though is that parents make their first mistakes with that one. So the first child becomes the learning point for them (which is not so good for the baby ;-) :-D). Take us, one mistake we made was not to take Snugli to the doctor immediately when she was ill, but we'll certainly not repeat that with her or another baby (if and when) ever again. Well, whats the point I'm trying to make here? Nothing. Its just that each day I understand my parents more and more :-D.

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As parents we try to do the best for our child. My mom keeps telling this story about me when I was young. They weren't as well off then as they are today, so they'd take me out and buy me a small cup of icecream and I'd eat it bit by bit for hours, it seems. The point is not that I took time ;-), but the fact that they wouldn't buy any for themselves. They provided what they thought was the best for me. In my case its rather different. I, personally, have always thought that "Organic" products are nothing but a fad. In fact, I've also scoffed at a couple of friends of mine for even saying the word "organic" :-D. Also, we don't buy mineral water, we use tap water for all purposes (and I must say that I haven't fallen ill at all while I was drinking the same). Since the time I got pregnant, we did put a filter for the tap to reduce lead (whats ironic is that I did catch a cold once after that :-\). But after Snugli started eating semi-solids, most of the stuff I buy for her is organic. Most, if not all veggies I get for her are organic. And so are the curd and milk I buy for her. Sri and I still don't eat/drink organic, but we make sure she does. I don't really consider "organic" stuff the best, but its just that I don't want to take a risk with her. So what does that make me? Am I just being a good parent? Or am I a hypocrite? I'm not sure.

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Lastly, I have been writing this post on and off since afternoon and am completing it only now at night. I guess thoughts don't have restraints of time and space ;-) :-D.