Like Duck to Water, thats how I have taken to life :). This blog is the saga of love and adventures of a small duck in a large water body called LIFE....

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Monday, May 11, 2009

A tough trough :(


Its strange how life works sometimes. Was it only a month back when I was riding the crest of happiness? Today I'm on the lowest of lows. Its not that I didn't expect this. Its only that I was hoping that it'd not turn out to be this way. Its sad that it had to happen today of all days - May 11th has been good to me so far, it being the date of our Gruhapravesha as well as Snugli's namakarna.

First the good news. I came to know that I got accepted into the college I applied to for MBA almost immediately after the application (which involved 3 essays + a few mini essays + an extended letter requesting for aid). But the bad news was that there was no aid. I again knew this would be the case, because I applied only after the scholarship deadline was done and was told that the chances were slim. This was almost 3 weeks back. I guess I sorta deluded myself into thinking that things may change ('cause the advisor had hinted that they'd know for sure by May).

The basic fact is that its a pretty huge amount. Yes we can take loans and "afford" it. My dad even offered to sponsor the studies. But I personally don't want to spend so much on a degree right now without knowing whether I will actually have the return of investment immediately. I have always been open about the fact that I want another child and we have to think of various things when making a commitment like that. And I don't want us to be burdened with loans and sacrifice the basic things I love about my life. I was hoping that if I got a scholarship, then it will just be a matter of taking care of Snugli. But well, thats not the case. Looks like I have the score, I have the experience, I have the academical record and I have even been accepted into the university, but I don't have the money :(.

Today I met with the advisor and finally said that I won't be able to accept their offer. The proverbial nail on the coffin or whatever. I asked my application to be transferred to next year (well, if there is aid then, we'll have to think long and deep about that). But this is it for MBA this year. It'd have been kinda perfect had I been able to do it this year, but things don't always go our way. Felt very bad once I was out of the advisor's office - its very tough when you see a part of your dream being crushed right in front of your eyes. I let the tears flow and the sorrow drain. Yes, it'd have been very tough to actually complete a full-time MBA in one year and I'm sure I'd have cribbed about it here. But I would have tried. Given it my best. I tell myself, its their loss. But feel that its mine..

Maybe fate has something else planned for me. Maybe I should learn to be more grateful for what I have. And I have a lot of things to be grateful about. I have things in my life that many people don't. Maybe I should just live in the moment and forget all about not having a career as of now. But somehow, these days women think careers are an integral part of their lives, so we have started to judge our failures and successes in terms of the career we have. I feel embarrassed to say I'm not working, why is it that when I do so much for my family? And its certainly not that I don't have respect for housewives. Its just that when it comes to me, I feel bad that I'm not working right now or not doing anything as I call it :-\. I always imagined myself returning to work, 1 year after having a baby. Maybe I'm the one who is being judgmental on myself. Maybe not meeting the high expectations I set for myself is what is hurting me so much. Maybe its wrong, but I can't really help it. These maybes will go on, but this post is ending here..

Manzilein Apni Jagah Hein
Raaste Apni Jagah
Jab Kadam Hi Saath Naa De
Tho Musaafir Kyaa Kare..

10 Comments:


Soumya retorted...

Oh dear! That's sad. Jaadu ki jhappi to you. Will call and you can vent some more. More hugs.


SK retorted...

Deeps,
I can totally understand. {{Hugs}}

Be hopeful that something much better is awaiting you.

Yes Funding for MBA is very tough, compared to funding for MS.


Vanditha retorted...

Deeps,

It would be rude if I said I understand what you are going through. I, clearly, am a spectator and can understand only that point of view. Even thats very tough. However, these days I get to believe strongly that something better is in store!


direkishore retorted...

bad luck.. if it is a two year course, you might have time to do a graduate assistantship. look for one, that might be all you need and not a scholarship. many times you might have to look in other departments in the university.


Ashu retorted...

Hi...I have been reading your blog for quite some time now...is it not possible to apply in diff college? is there no way out?


Deeps retorted...

Soum, SK and Vandu,Thanks for the hugs guys, means a lot. Feeling a bit better today..

Shiv,I can't go for teaching assistantship. For full-time MBA, they don't allow work. For part-time, I can't because I have a baby to think of. Its a mix of situations where only one thing will work for me and that didn't.

Ashu,

Looks like my sadness brought you out :-D. No re, I have several collges nearby (within 2 hours of travel that is), but this is the only one which is convenient. I cannot travel too much with a baby around (I can't get to her if there is an emergency). As I said, only one solution worked for me and that is simply not there :-\.


Rose retorted...

Hi Deeps,

Long time..(not sure if you remember me, I had posted comments long time back)..It kind of took me offguard - this post..I am sooo used to the cheerful side of you ( your posts rather..;-))...Please dont feel low..Like you rightly said, I am 200% sure there is something else waiting for you..! it may be just that we dont see it at this particular moment..and I know one person who will be extremely happy to see you at home for an extended period as against the 'adjusted' periods had things gone the other way...- and thats dear snugli baby...:-)..dont forget to let me know through the post when the 'unexpected' good thing comes through..!!..I am counting days...:-)


Smi retorted...

Wow! This had to get me outta my self imposed hiatus from blogging..
It's a bummer for sure, but hey remember u're the duck that can still fly?! And u will..once more and like never before.
Until then, more power to you!


accidental diva retorted...

hey deepti..I know exactly what ur going thru..last year I was one of the select few who got accepted into a much in demand course in melbourne,after a bit of a struggle we managed the finances n' I finished the course with gr8 scores,but right now the market is so bad..that I still haven't found that perfect job!!Dont feel low..cause it just doesn't help,instead maybe u could do some online course which will help u get a few credits for ur MBA
n' ofcourse u will have more time to spend with sungli:):)
do get back to ur cheerful self--lots of hugs,
dee


Ranjani retorted...

Dont worry deepthi. I did MS here in the US and worked 3 years. I have taken a break to look after my son for the past 1 year...You know what? Its worth it. Those first years are the most beautiful.