As of now...

As of now, I'm still missing mom, dad and Darsh. Especially my mom. She came here in September 2007 and it was somehow as if I was back in the good old adolescent days. I miss her so much that the house sometimes feels really empty. I remember her when we take walks ("Mom and I walked that way and explored stuff there"), when we go to supermarkets ("Mom would have loved this"), and even when I cook ("Wonder whether mom would have added this ingredient"). The sadness is so palpable. Its as if I'm numb with pain. The tears are in my eyes, but they won't flow down. My heart feels constricted all the time. But life has to go on..

As of now, I still can't believe I'm back in US. I can't believe 2.5 months in India just went away in what seems like minutes. I'm sure that even if I was there for 6 months, it'd have felt too less. Why is the heart not content with what it gets? As soon as I came back, it was a total change of scenario. I just didn't have time to think about India anymore, as we had to take care of Snugli ourselves. My inlaws will be here next month end, but until then we are on our own. I'm so busy sometimes, its a miracle that I find time to do somethings for myself. Even checking my mail has become a "task to do" :-D. It feels as if I'm in this virtual world where I'm getting everything done, but still do not want to accept the reality that I'm back. Very strange, but true..

As of now, I can't help feeling a bit useless. I know, I know that I said I'm really busy, but many of my friends with a baby have returned to work and here I am sitting at home. I always wanted to take atleast an year's sabbatical after I had a baby, but I miss working. I don't know why I base my worth on a paying job, but I do. Practically, its a different story altogether. Its very difficult for me to work even if I have the opportunity. After all where do I leave Snugli? I don't want to leave her in the daycares here or hire a babysitter, so that means I have to be with her all the time. The best option would be a work-from-home job, but it not really raining jobs here leave alone work-at-home jobs :-p. Guess these pendulum-like-feelings are going to continue for a long time..

As of now, Snugli is 6 months old! 6 months, God! How time flies! Last year I was just out of my 1st trimester and still worried about the tiny little life inside me. I'm still concerned, believe me, though the tiny little life is not so tiny anymore and is almost ready to crawl. She laughs all the time, flips over in a blink (so many times in a day that its difficult to count) and is all set to step into the world, in a matter of speaking. And she has grown so close to my heart, much more than I ever imagined. I had so many doubts when I was pregnant, but now its all smooth. I'm just taking it as it comes. Speaking of which, today is her 3rd set of vaccinations, which means there is a lot of crying to come ;-)..