BTFYA 5 - Self-doubt is the best doubt ;-).

5 years ago, around this time, I was in full panic mode. I think it was the worse I've ever felt in my life. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. I'm pretty sure, my parents, especially mom can give you a better account of how weirdly I was behaving. I was questioning myself, my judgment and there's nothing worse than that - to not be sure whether what your heart is telling you is right, to think of the what-ifs and lose the confidence you had when you actually made the decision. Maybe some of it was due to PMS, but that excuse is rather convenient according to me and so I would like to place the blame sorely on a girl who was trying to make sure that her decision was for the best, in this case myself.

I don't know if every girl goes through this phase, atleast I haven't heard any of my married friends talk about it - the phase of doubting the decision of marrying a guy once its been said out loud. Usually a girl knows that the guy is the one and thats it. No second thoughts, no self-doubts, only them and their happily ever after. Well, I was different to say the least. The second thoughts started only hours after I said "Yes" (I said it straight to Sri) and as time passed it grew steadily into total panic. I literally remember how I went from "Oh my God! I finally said Yes and he is the one" to "Oh my God! What have I done!". The next few days kinda were a haze of tears, blind hysteria and pure madness..

Oh yes, Sri was perfect, if only whatever he told me about himself was the truth. But what if it wasn't? I had heard too many horror stories about women who went into marriages where everything sounded hunky and dory and later it turned out that it was a far cry from that. Women who were told that they'd have freedom in the marriage only to find out that they wouldn't be allowed to set foot outside of the house. Women who were promised by men that they'd be together all their lives only to find out that they'd not even live with them after a month. Women who were given the green light to a career after marriage only to find out that it was all about the money. Women who were promised heaven and stars only to be brought down to earth with a crash into the worse kind of hell. I didn't want to be one of those women..

It was not only that I didn't know whether to trust him, but also the plain fact that I didn't know whether to trust my judgment. How do I know whether what my heart was telling me was right? I knew in my heart that he was a nice and truthful guy, but my brain kept questioning it. It was the age-old conflict between the heart and the mind and there seemed to be no way to resolve it. I was paralyzed with the fear that I was making a wrong move, but how to even determine that it was wrong?

My parents, though a bit dismayed by the way I was behaving, were somehow supportive of me. Mom even said that she'd call Sri's parents and tell them "No" if that was what I wanted. But strangely, I didn't want that either. As I said earlier, I couldn't be sure that my decision was totally wrong either. Finally what dad did was to find out more about him through whatever ways he could. Most of what we found out seemed to confirm what Sri had told us. But obviously professional stuff could be confirmed, but there was no way I could know about the personal until I took the plunge.

And one day suddenly, I woke up to a bright morning with a clear head and told mom that yes, I was ready and I wouldn't really worry about it anymore. Yes, he was the one and no matter what happened later, I didn't want to lose the present with all my "worries". Come what may, I would face it. And somehow that was it, I really felt a huge burden lifted off my heart. It didn't really mean that my worries and doubts were over. They lasted well into the marriage, but I didn't let them overwhelm me like that again. After a few days full of terror, I felt free. It was my choice and I would live with it. And that was okay..

Much later (actually much much later :-D), I did tell Sri about the whole madness and we have laughed about it together :). As you know, Sri didn't turn out to be a scallawag ;-) and is mostly honest :-p, hehehee :)). And I'm certainly glad that I am not one of those women in the horror stories. It all worked out wonderful for me, but I still believe that the phase I had 5 years ago, was some sort of defense mechanism that kicked in. It was a healthy dose of reality that kept me grounded even when I was being swept off my feet ;-). I guess my mind wasn't really willing to let my heart go that easily and belong to another :-D. Even today, I say that marriage is a huge gamble and you never know what the true nature of a person is until you have lived with her/him. Its just that my gamble paid off :).