9th month and beyond..

I'm standing (more like sitting :-D) at the threshold of a 9 month long wait and I have literally lost track of the feelings fluctuating in me. I am feeling so many things all at once that I just had to record them in a post. I don't know whether I'll ever feel like this again or whether I want to. Its a mixture of elation and apprehension, of excitement and terror, of love and panic, of what not!

One part of me is really scared. Yes, I have attended childbirth classes and read all material thats available about labour and delivery. I know theoretically what happens. But I'm frightened about the practicality. I know its natural and many women have gone through it before me. But they don't call it the most difficult time of a woman's life for nothing. I can only cross my fingers and hope that when the time comes, I'll face it with the high spirit that I have faced any adventure with..

Another part I'm scared about is handling the baby. I recently attended a baby boot camp class in which we were told about how to take care of the baby, how to recognize the cries, how to bathe the baby, how to hold it, change the diapers etc, and all the while I had only one thought in my mind - whether I'll be able to do it all :-\. I know I have help around, but I am petrified about having a new person around thats completely going to be dependent on me. Right now, the baby is a weight in my stomach recognized by a set of kicks and a heart beat at the doc's office. But in a few days, it'll be a squirming, crying small life in my hands. Sometimes I think, oh what the heck, I can do it. Other times I'm just not so sure..

Sometimes I feel really relieved. I mean, 8 months have gone like a dream. Except for a few pains and aches, the baby has hardly given me any problems (oops, maybe I shouldn't put this on my blog, where my child can read it in future :-D). There have been some worries and frustrations, but these have been self-induced rather than something coming from the baby. So I cannot really crib saying "9 months of carrying and suffering" ;-). It been pretty much a smooth sail and I'm really grateful for that :).

Many a time I have rejoiced, enjoyed having a partner thats so supportive that it kinda makes me wonder whether I knew Sri would be like this when I married him. I'm sure most hubbies do things these days, but its been great having him rub my back for what seems like hours, supporting me when I have to get up from sitting, holding my hand or lending a supporting hand to my back when I'm walking, so on and so forth. There have been times when I have had severe cramps in my legs in the middle of the night and he has gotten up to massage them and consoled me when I have cried with pain. He has held me when I have felt frustrated and reassured me when I have had self-doubts. In short, I must have done something good to deserve such a man in my life. I'm very sure the baby is lucky to have a dad like that :).

There have been other times when I have wished whimsically for certain things. Especially when Sri asks me how it feels to have the baby kick inside. I've tried explaining it to him with everything from "it feels like when you ride a roller coaster" to "a small earthquake in my stomach" :-D to "Like how Jim Carrey swallows a bomb in The Mask and he has a small explosion in his stomach" , hehehe. But I know he doesn't "get it". He has been through this adventure with me the whole way, but it is certainly not like other adventures where in he has gotten to experience the whole thing himself. He sometimes looks at the ripples on my stomach with such wonder that I wish he could know how wonderful it is to feel the baby moving inside. Thats something I can never express adequately through words..

But above all these, I am happy. Though I have worries about taking care of the baby, its going to be wonderful to have the baby in my arms. To hold and see a smile. To see an awkward Sri nervously holding an infant (this piece of imagination is enough to bring a smile to my face through all worries :-D). I am happy to have my parents around for such an prominent phase in my life and I am really glad that things have worked out for the best. I guess there's nothing more important than that :). Ultimately a little spark of happiness is all that counts :).

Update 1: Thanks for all the advice ladies :). Yes, I am already considering epidural and will be going for it 75% (the remaining 25% is only for unforeseen circumstances :-D).

Update 2: Orchid has dedicated a sweet poem for me on her blog here saying

A fellow blogger is almost due
and how exciting it is too!
A new baby is always fun
atleast until they start to run!
Have fun, baby and you
Don't forget to include Sri too!
Here's sending your way
Warm wishes to make your day!

Thanks a lot Orchid. That means a lot :).