Gotta be hard, gotta be tough, gotta be stronger...

You don't really know the value of something until you are away from it. This is specially true in case of parents. I've seen it in lots of blogs where you can see the person's attitude towards his/her parents when they are with them and later when they have moved away. Personally, I started my blog after I was "away", so though there has been a major transition in me, there is no "record" as such to show it. If I had blogged before, I'm sure the attitude change would be very obvious in me too.

So what brought this on suddenly? Nope, its not because I'm in the process of becoming a parent myself. Last week, I fell ill. I had severe throatache, some cough and a bit of cold. I've recovered a lot, but there are still some traces of the cold and cough remaining. This is the first time I have fallen ill after I got married! Its been 2.5 years of no illness whatsoever, touchwood :-D. I don't really know what happened. I didn't really do anything different, well maybe my immunity is a bit low thanks to my condition ;-).

The relation between illness and missing parents is obvious. When you are staying with parents, its so easy to depend on them. I mean, if you fall ill, they are always there to cook and care for you. I remember whenever I would get a cold/cough in Bangalore, it would get severe in a matter of hours (Bangalore pollution was probably 90% the reason). Dad would come home tired yet be ready to take me to the doctor immediately. Mom would make khashaya (for those who don't know - a pepper concoction) and later in the night when I would be unable to sleep, she'd rub Vicks on my back for hours. Just her being with me was a major comfort.

This time, well, it was different. Not that Sri wasn't helpful or wasn't comforting. And though I love troubling him other times, it was sorta difficult to let go. What I mean is that I cooked, made myself khashaya and somehow didn't really want Sri to "take care" of things. Now I really know how mom felt when she would fall ill, yet somehow managed to cook for 4 people. Dad would help a lot, but she did most of the work. Maybe I'm not being very clear, but I felt "grown up", that too after being away for more than 2.5 years! Well, not like I had any choice ;-) :-D.

It feels strange to suddenly realize that you are on your own. But really how must the parents feel? Its like you take care of your kids, watch every step, bandage every wound for more than 20 years, just to let them go and live on their own. I don't think thats easy, but hey, thats life. And thats how it will be in the next generation, so on and on.

The good news is that I get to depend on mom atleast for 6 months from now. She'll be arriving here this weekend (my dad will be here sometime in November) and I am having sort of mixed feelings about it. First, ofcourse I need her with me and I'm so excited! Its been almost 1.5 years since I have seen her, so I am very happy. I can't really describe the excitement levels I am on.

The second persistent feeling is guilt. I mean, usually a girl goes to her parents' place when she is nearing delivery. But to the normal NRI reasons plus the fact that I didn't want Sri to miss out on the baby stuff, I cannot really go to Bangalore for the same. So instead of being together with mom, dad and Darsh, here I am separating them for my advantage. I feel selfish and mean. I don't know whether its natural to feel this way or whether its THE harmones, but I feel sad. Dad and Darsh will have to manage sometime without mom (mom has never been away from dad for this long, so I feel responsible :-\) and Darsh will be on his own for atleast 1.5 months. I don't like it and feel its my fault. In fact, the guilt is threatening to take over the happiness :(. But well, I can't have it both ways :-p.

Thirdly and finally, for 2.5 years we have been here on our own. We have literally had no visitors (what with us being in a non-accessible place :-D), so I don't really know if the way I have maintained house (in short the way we are living) is "approvable". I have been cleaning (;-) :-D), setting some things up for the past couple of days, just to make sure everything looks good ;-). I guess I'll know soon when mom will be here ;-) :-D. That worry holds when it comes to the baby too. Sri and I are too used to being together alone, so will we able to handle the responsibility of another life in our lives? Guess we'll find out in time..

Anyways, this post was just to get some things off my chest. Conflicts and confusions, thats what life is made of. How you handle them will show how you lived your life. I tell myself that so many people have handled it all before me and why should I be any different? But again, nobody else has lived "my" life :). I have to face what comes and so I will.